Saving Me
by Lonewolf.007
Summary: AU: Maura Isles is a US medical officer in Afghanistan. While there, she briefly encounters a soldier in desperate need of medical attention. When Maura returns to Boston as a civilian again, the soldier is constantly on her mind, but she resigns herself to never seeing her again. But who does she bump into on Hero's Night, but the very woman on her mind, Lieutenant Jane Rizzoli?
1. Holding On

**_A/N:_**_ I'm not particularly great when it comes to writing descriptions, but I'm hoping my story doesn't disappoint! This is my first Rizzles chapter fic, and also my first AU fic. If you have any constructive criticism, or could just shoot a quick review, that would mean the world to me. Also, all my stories are un-beta'd, so all mistakes are my own._

**_Disclaimer:_**_ All familiar characters in this story belong to Tess Gerritsen, Janet Tamaro, and TNT. I do not own anything except for the story plot itself._

* * *

The gunfire rattled incessantly, a sound Dr Maura Isles had learnt to block out long ago. In the moment she registered the sound she only noted that it was at least from a distance, and that their small tent was still secure.

Men and women were brought in, a never-ending stream of broken bodies and broken spirits. Books and films made war look glamorous; soldiers were brave, heroic. They undoubtedly were, but war was not. The mutilated limbs from a bomb, the spread of red across the khaki, the paleness of death… War was a monster that ate up humanity, and spat out the ugly remains.

Garbed in the blood-stained scrubs that announced her position as loudly as the red cross on her scrub cap, Maura bent over the newest arrival: a young man that looked barely eighteen, with a slowly spreading crimson patch on his leg. Despite the discolouration of the uniform, Maura could count the four bullet holes in the material. Turning to a nearby medic, she called for some more anaesthetic. There wasn't any left. Looking back down at the man, the boy more like, she tried to fashion her voice into one of gentle sympathy and reassurance, as she cut away the cloth covering the wounds. It was going to hurt a lot, Maura knew, but in war, beggars cannot be choosers.

* * *

It had been two years, nine months and eleven days since Maura had been dispatched to work as a medic in the harsh Afghanistan landscape. She wasn't sure why she had counted the days so precisely. She had no one to return home to, no job waiting for her. Only an empty house in the higher end of Boston. Filled with her fashionable clothes and expensive heels. Comfortable chairs and sofas, a warm bed. _Comfort_. There was little of that here, as Maura worked endless shifts day and night, trying to save the people who had been brave enough to fight for their country. _Or foolish enough_. It was a harsh thought, Maura knew, but the rational part in her could not understand what the powers hoped to achieve by sending men and women out to lay their lives down for a reason the politicians never seemed able give.

If Maura was lucky enough to have the night shift off, she would kip down in a small dusty tent with a fellow surgeon, but sleep rarely came easy. The sandy, rocky ground was not a comfortable surface to lay upon, and the Afghan climate had little consistency – sometimes granting blazing heat for days on end, but come night, the icy winds would blow as heat was leeched from the Earth's atmosphere into the open atmosphere. But those were things easily conditioned to, and Maura barely registered such petty discomforts anymore. It was the moans of wounded people, in the always-busy tent nearby, the screams of humans in a pain beyond their imaginings that kept the doctor awake in the night. The images of burned flesh, broken bones, the ever-present red that was everywhere – clothes, skin, bed sheets, floor – lived behind her eyelids when she closed them. When sleep decided to visit, more often than not, the horrors of war decided to visit too.

But there wasn't long left. Only two months and nineteen days left. She was due to be honourably discharged on the 30th June. On the 1st July, she would be a civilian again, not a war surgeon. Yet a very large part in her wondered if she would ever really leave this place. It was a dark place, filled with horror, despair, pain. There was no joy, no brightness, no _beauty_. Oh, how Maura missed it, missed seeing something _beautiful_. She couldn't even remember what something beautiful would even look like. It had been too long. To Maura, things were just… grey. Everything was grey, the tent was grey, the clothes was grey, the beds were grey, the sheets were grey. Only the hot redness of fresh blood broke the lack-lustre world the doctor seemed to have fallen into. She guessed she must have just been hanging onto reality, or sanity, or both.

It wasn't a question of living anymore. These men and women, shattered, broken, they were still alive. Maura was alive too. Moving, breathing, seeing, doing. These were actions only capable of a living being. An organism capable of respiration would be classified as alive. It was when the chest stopped moving, when the consciousness left a person's eye, when the heart stopped pumping and the blood slowed down, when the brain could no longer function, that a person would be dead. Science taught Maura that she was very much alive.

And so she went about her days, watching the bodies come into the tent. If it wasn't too bad, she would do the best she could, bandage the soldier up, and set them aside for transport to the nearest proper hospital, when the transport was not in demand. If the situation was more dire, she would do the best she could, and the fastest convoy, or a helicopter if they were lucky enough, would ship the soldier to the hospital as quickly was possible. More often than not, it was an injury that didn't require desperate medical attention of the sort that only a hospital could provide. It was small comfort though; pain did not just disappear with a non-fatal injury. Often the pain would be worse, with pain relievers in short supply, and no bliss in unconsciousness.

Two years, nine months and eleven days had made the daily grind a harsh routine. It was no more to Maura than, quite simply, her life. This was her life. The gunfire, explosions, screams, yelling and moaning was the soundtrack to it. The battered men and women, the guns slung over shoulders, bandages covering bodies, arms, legs and faces, and harried looking surgeons were the images to it. Maura could hardly remember the other world, the other life that waited for her in America any more. It was like an elusive dream, as she looked into the faces of hurting humans, so like herself. Regardless of their age, gender, colour, height… Maura saw the same every single day, in every single person. A human who had fought for their country, and paid the price. _Do they remember what home feels like? Do they remember what freedom is?_ It was a strange twist of irony that they should fight for freedom, by slaving under fear. Maura was a scientist. She dealt in facts, in proof, in truth. And yet, here were people fighting because of words, without the proof to go with it.

War did not make sense in Dr Isles mind. But she decided, as she did every day, that it did not need to make sense. Her job was to take what did make sense to her, and use it to try and save her fellow countrymen. And to hold on.

* * *

Maura was woken by the shouts coming from the medic's tent. Wrenching herself out of her sleepy state, she sat up, and quickly found her scrubs, which she threw over the thermals she'd been wearing underneath. Next to her, Dr Nelson was also pulling on her dark green shirt, roused by the commotion that was still emanating from the tent. They barely exchanged a word, nodding at each other grimly before emerging into the slowly lightening dawn.

Making their way over to the entry way of the makeshift medical centre, they saw a huge group of men and women alike, calling desperately for help. Maura called out to the nearest soldier, a private judging by the insignia on his arm, and he immediately moved aside at the sight of the scrubs and cross. When his comrades realised that a doctor was on the scene, they all moved aside as best they could, to reveal the sight of an unconscious woman on a stretcher. She was wearing the typical uniform of an American soldier, but the helmet that barely sat on her head bore the single bar of a lieutenant. Her uniform was ragged, and caked in dust. There was a tear in the leg, and a hastily applied bandage could be seen poking out through the rip.

But Maura wasn't looking at the soldier's body. No. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the woman's face. It was dirty, and a smear of blood covered her left cheek. A cut over the eyebrow was visible, and another was at her neck. Maura couldn't help noticing just how sharp-featured the woman appeared under all the grime and blood. Her hair was pulled back, but just under the helmet, Maura caught sight of untidy brown locks. As her eyes slid over this young lieutenant's features, she realised the woman couldn't be much older than herself. Suddenly a voice broke into her thoughts.

"Doctor… her hands…"

Maura suddenly remembered where she was: in the middle of a battlefield in Afghanistan. And she was standing there, staring at a wounded soldier. Giving herself a mental shake, she quickly turned her eyes down towards the woman's hands, and saw them wrapped in thick white gauze… or it had been white before the blood had soaked through every layer.

Maura immediately went into doctor mode. "Move her inside immediately. Private," she glanced at the man she had called to earlier, "her name, status, injury."

The private immediately snapped to attention and began. "Lieutenant Jane Rizzoli, of 1st Special Forces Group. She sustained the injuries in an enemy camp, after infiltrating and attacking our target. The camp was mostly taken down by the time most of our division arrived, but Lieutenant Rizzoli was overpowered by our target, who…" the young man lost his composure for a moment. "… who pinned her hands down with… scalpels… right through both her hands. The captain found her, took a shot at the target, and freed Rizzoli, but it wasn't fatal, because he managed to get his hand on another scalpel and almost attacked. Rizzoli had enough sense left to grab a gun with her maimed hands and killed him. We managed to see the shot, and then she collapsed right there. Captain instructed us to bring her back straight away, and to get the best care possible."

Maura nodded, her eyes focused on the bloody bandages. Judging by the report, the amount of blood on the bandages and the pallor underneath the dirt and grime, Lieutenant Rizzoli had suffered severe blood loss, and would have serious damage to both her hands. After a moment of deliberation, she shook her head. "We need to get her to the hospital, there's nothing we can do here. I'll apply a pressure bandage, Dr Nelson, is there a convoy available?"

The other doctor had gone ahead to check on vehicle availability. "Even better, we have a helicopter that's just come to bring fresh supplies, they can take her to the hospital."

Maura's heart leapt. This was a rare stroke of luck, and she quickly set to work on tightening the bandages around the woman's hands, to prevent further blood loss. When she was done, she guided the men that were bearing the stretch out the other end of the tent. But she didn't let go of this soldier's hand.

Emerging into the light of the morning sun, they all shielded their eyes against the glare and the dust the helicopter blades had swept up. The doctor glanced back down at the brave, injured woman by her side. Unsure of what made her do it, she reached out a hand and brushed aside a loose strand of dark hair from the woman's eyes.

And they opened. And Maura was drawn into two dark brown orbs. She couldn't look away, couldn't move, until the lieutenant blinked hazily. Maura could see she was in some strange half-conscious state, not fully there. She recognised the presence of pain, despite the bleariness of the soldier's eyes. Rizzoli's eyes moved about, flickering around and trying to catch up with her surroundings, before settling back on the doctor's face. A finger twitched in pain, but the soldier stared at Maura. Even under such unfocused scrutiny, Maura felt her heart beat a little faster.

"Lieutenant Rizzoli? Can you hear me? We're sending you to a hospital, they'll take very good care of you."

Maura wasn't sure if she'd heard any of it, or registered it. But she felt the hand in hers shift a little, and Lieutenant Rizzoli, without taking her eyes off the doctor, only whispered. "You're beautiful."

The hand went limp, and her eyes closed, unconsciousness pulling Lieutenant Rizzoli back into its grasp. The bearers moved her towards the helicopter, leaving Maura in a state of shock. She watched as people strapped the stretcher into the helicopter, as medics crowded around the stretcher, shielding the woman from the doctor's sight. But Maura stared after the helicopter, even as it took to the skies again. _You're beautiful_. The words echoed in her mind, filling Maura with a kind of warmth she hadn't felt in two years, nine months and eleven days. Perhaps even longer than that. Maura hadn't seen anything beautiful in so long. Hadn't even heard the word spoken in all her days out here in the desert. _You're beautiful_. She had forgotten what beauty was. Just an insubstantial wisp on the corners of her mind. But she remembered now. She remembered what beauty was. _You're beautiful_. Maura smiled. _Yes_, she smiled to herself, _Lieutenant Jane Rizzoli…_ she saw those dark eyes, that face, in her mind again. She didn't find it so hard to hold on any more. _She's beautiful_.


	2. Heading Home

_**A/N: **__Holy crap guys. I am so, so, SO honoured, and amazed and just... with your response to this story. I couldn't believe it when I woke up and my email was just flooded with follows, favourites and reviews. It completely made my day, and I am so honoured and happy that you guys are looked forward to this story! Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed, especially those who really took the time and told me what they liked and all. Every single one of your reviews was another motivating factor, another source of encouragement for me, and I am just... I can't believe it. And now I really, really hope that I don't let you all down! I'll do my very best, thank you all so much._

_This is a bit of a short chapter again, just setting things up and getting the small details in. :) Thanks again! And if you could be kind enough to review, I will be forever thankful. It means the world to me. Again, all mistakes are my own._

* * *

Finally. As the 30th of June dawned, hot and dry, Maura came out of the tent, wrapped up in the standard khaki of Americans in the field, kit bag on her back. Shading her eyes, she looked up at the helicopter that had come to take her to the American headquarters. She'd have her papers signed and handed to her, officially discharging her. And then she would board a plane that would take her back to American soil.

It hadn't been easy. When the magic of that moment had worn off, Maura was placed back in the harsh reality of war, and all its brutality. The bodies didn't stop coming in, the blood didn't stop spilling, the people didn't stop dying. Each day was still the same, gruelling, exhausting, demoralising. The constant battle for survival was never far, and the shortages in supplies, both medical and otherwise, didn't stop.

But there was a new fire, small but there, that had ignited with that fateful day. When Lieutenant Jane Rizzoli, wounded and unconscious, had appeared in Maura's life and left it, just as quickly. Those words became an internal mantra for the doctor, a piece to hold onto when the present reality became too much to bare. Whenever she thought of those words, she saw the soldier's face again. It was hazier now, as she knew it would become with time. The mind wasn't conditioned to remember with such clarity, especially after such short exposure. But Maura didn't want to forget that beautiful face, those beautiful eyes. It was foolish, Maura knew, to think about a person that she had only seen for all of ten or so minutes that way. She had no idea where the woman was from, knew nothing about her background; she didn't even know if she had made it to the hospital and been treated. She stopped her thought process immediately whenever it began to wonder down that track. It was an oddly painful thought, even though she saw the dead and dying every day. But Maura didn't want the person who had given her the words that had kept her going to just… fade away. Like it was in her memory.

Each day she'd worked, her mind on a new patient, a new victim of the sin of pride. But when she felt her shoulders slumping in exhaustion, overwhelmed in that moment, the words always came back. _You're beautiful_. She tried to hold on to that face, a true representation of a beauty that Maura hadn't seen in so long. The doctor didn't allow herself to dwell on the injured hands, the bloody bandages… she pushed those aside, but she clung to the image of Lieutenant Rizzoli's eyes, looking up at her.

And now she was here, at last, on her way home. Somehow, she'd survived the three years out in the harsh climates of Afghanistan, never far from the warfare. Somehow, she'd made it through without completely losing it. _You're beautiful_. Perhaps it had been a close call.

The helicopter landed in front of the band of doctors that were now ready to be discharged. Maura watched as new faces climbed through the door, faces set into grim lines as they took up the positions she had so recently relinquished. The last doctor climbed out, blinking in the light before gathering himself and moving towards the tent. One look at him, and Maura knew he would have a rough time dealing with the conditions. Maura may have been a lady, with money and impeccable style in Boston, but she wasn't afraid to work hard for what she was passionate about or what she believed in. Judging by this doctor's stance and expression, in particular the way his medial and lateral pterygoid muscles were moving, Maura had no doubt that this man was not accustomed nor prepared for the coming ordeal.

To her surprise, when he caught sight of her, he walked over and extended his hand. "Ah, hello, Ms…"

Lifting an eyebrow, Maura politely took his hand and shook very briefly, "It's Dr Isles."

"Ah, yes, Dr Isles." He didn't apologise for his previous mistake. "I assure you that we will take very good care of the soldiers. You have nothing to fear in leaving," he said rather pompously.

"Thank you, Dr…"

"Pike."

"Dr Pike." She nodded at him, before turning to board the plane. She sincerely hoped that the other doctors were made of stronger material, and with less pomposity.

The helicopter ride went by rapidly. It felt unreal, finally flying away from the battlefield she'd known for so long. The absence of gunfire and shouting was almost disconcerting. It had become such an inescapable part of Maura's life that the relief from those ghastly sounds seemed unnatural. Like the calm before the storm.

Her fellow passengers were all equally as quiet. Glancing at them, she decided they were most probably in a state of similar disbelief and shock as she was, though she couldn't be entirely sure. And Maura would never guess. There was no room for guessing in a scientific mind. Indeed, the doctor felt extremely uncomfortable whenever she was forced to give a judgement on a patient without having all the facts in hand. It tended to cause her to hyperventilate. The same way lies made her break out in hives.

Idly, Maura wondered if she'd ever see her fellow comrades again. She hadn't really befriended them, never having been one for social interaction. She had felt a connection to them only through their common purpose of saving lives. But she did not feel any pull towards engaging with them on a more personal level. It didn't surprise Maura; making friends wasn't something she'd ever been particularly good at. She was used to doing things alone.

Soon, her thoughts slid over towards the dark-haired soldier again. She wasn't entirely sure why her mind insisted on thinking about the woman. But she found herself feeling curious about this Jane Rizzoli. In fact, the lieutenant had been on her mind enough over the last two months and nineteen days for her to feel comfortable enough in thinking of her as _Jane_. Which was truly ridiculous, because she certainly knew nothing about this person. And the chances of ever seeing her again were so ridiculously small that Maura didn't even trouble herself with calculating the odds.

Turning her attention towards the window, the honey-blonde doctor noticed that they had almost arrived. The helicopter had begun it's slow decent towards a helipad, and she could see uniformed men standing by. Glancing around again, she exchanged a weary smile with some of the other doctors as they touched down on the concrete.

When the door was opened, the doctors of war made their way out, and were greeted by General Allen. Standing at attention, Maura gave the commander a salute. The general was an old man, with grey in his hair, and tired looking eyes, but when he touched his hand to his brow, it was with the swiftness and precision of a fresh sapper.

"Doctors, we are truly indebted to you for your service to your country, and your fellow countrymen. You have conducted your duty with bravery, valour and honour. The people of America salute you. You have truly earned your right to a good rest."

He turned on his heel, and led the party towards the building, low and sturdy, and surrounded by turrets and strongholds. Taking them towards the general's office, young soldiers sprang to attention as their general passed. When they entered the low ceilinged room, Maura noted that it was very sparse in its arrangements and furniture. Even the highest forwent any comfort. An admirable trait, she decided.

Standing behind his desk, he had a lieutenant general present as he picked up the pen and signed off each doctor's discharge paper. With each signing, he carefully rolled it up, and presented it to the doctor with a nod and a salute. When he handed Maura the papers, she gave a salute again.

All the papers signed and presented, he led them back outside, where a convoy was waiting to take them to the small airport nearby. Climbing into the vehicle, Maura sat down next to Dr Nelson and Dr Stanley. As the convoy pulled away onto the asphalt, Maura caught a last glimpse of General Allen giving them a final salute.

The ride was short, and they arrived at the airport quickly. Stepping out of the convoy, they were hurriedly led to the nearest building. It was unlike Maura to let things pass by without paying attention, but the thought of boarding a plane back to America was surprisingly hard to comprehend. She would be a civilian again. She could lead a normal life again, with a normal house and wearing normal clothes. No more army khakis, nor more gunfire, no more shouting, no more dusty Afghanistan plains. She could be Dr Maura Isles at Mass Gen, not Dr Maura Isles, combat medic. Though in truth, she didn't particularly want to take up a profession as a doctor in a hospital. She'd had enough. Perhaps a medical examiner. She could speak for the dead, when they couldn't speak for themselves.

As she settled on the plane, she found her thoughts wondering to the brunette soldier again. It was really getting out of hand, but Maura couldn't stop wondering. She'd always had a natural-born curiosity, and it wasn't helping her in trying to remove the mysterious woman from her mind. Rizzoli was an Italian last name. Were her parents immigrants then? Or was it an older generation? Was she maybe half-Italian? Maura tried to recall the soldier's facial bone structure. The Italian genes were definitely present in the cheek bones and the nose line, but she couldn't be entirely sure. Where was she from? She could be from anywhere, Maura thought, a weight descending over her shoulders for a reason she couldn't entirely pinpoint. There was no doubt that Jane Rizzoli would have been discharged after getting surgery on her hands. That is… if she _survived_. The honey-blonde gripped her arm rest a little tighter at the thought. The damage would've been quite severe, but not fatal? Depending on how quickly she was treated. Depending on how the scalpel was thrust into her hands. Depending on how long they'd been left there. There had definitely been arterial flow, with that amount of blood on those bandages… Maura closed her eyes, forcing herself to stop diagnosing the woman. She had no data to go on, she was worrying on wisps.

Deciding she'd had enough of dwelling on a woman she would never see again, she shut her eyes, blocking out the sound of the plane engine and settling against the uncomfortable seat she was in. Small issues, after years in worse conditions. After a few minutes, Maura drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

The crackle of the intercom woke Maura. The pilot announced that they were beginning the decent, and reminded everyone to remain seated with their seatbelts on. Looking at the other doctors, she saw most doctors stirring as she herself had. They had become conditioned to rising at the slightest sounds that disturbed the norm.

Maura blinked the sleep from her eyes, and turned to stare out the window. She could feel the plane shifting its angle for the optimal position to descend. As the plane began to fly lower through the clouds, the doctor leaned in a little, trying to catch a glimpse of the world beneath. Suddenly it broke through the white fluff to reveal the sprawling conglomeration of buildings that was Washington DC. Looking over such an organised, clean, busy city felt strange. But it was a welcome sight. As the plane touched down with a bump, a strange feeling welled up in Maura. A sense of emptiness, confusion, relief… shock. She was on American soil again. It was evening, and she could see the city lighting up around her. Picking up her bags, she followed her comrades out. A few more processes to complete, and she'd be on the final plane back. Back to Massachusetts, back to Boston. Back home.

She was heading home.


	3. Crossing Paths

_**A/N:**__ Sorry for the delay between the chapters! I intended to upload this chapter yesterday at the latest, but as luck would have it, I got called in for a shift at work, and my plan to write fell to pieces. I've never worked so much in a week, and it just had to be this week, when I started this story._ _I really want to thank everyone again for all your amazing reviews and follows. It seriously makes my day, and makes me all the more determined to try and make this the best it can be. Thank you._

_Again, un-beta'd, so all mistakes are my own. Hope you enjoy this chapter!_

* * *

The knocking at the door roused the doctor from her sleep. It had been a very long time since Maura had felt so well rested. She'd only returned to her large house, complete with a separate guest house, two nights ago, and she had come to the realisation of just how much she'd missed her soft king-sized bed and a decent shower.

Glancing at the alarm clock on her bedside table it was almost nine-thirty. She frowned a little, never one to wake up so late. But she decided that she could indulge a little. Suddenly she recalled the reason she'd woken up, and, hazel eyes widening slightly, she quickly got out of bed and reached for the outfit she had laid out for herself last night. Preparation was everything, and she intended to go out today and do a little shopping, and job-hunting. The knocking started again, and she quickly called back, "Just a moment!"

Deciding that she'd taken long enough she left her hair as it was, simply running a hand through it to try bring back some order. After all, it was rude to keep a person waiting too long. Curious as to who would make such an early morning call, she went to the door. As she pulled it open, she was met with two men, one elderly, and one middle-aged, both wearing uniform.

"May I help you?"

"Dr Maura Isles, combat medic at Camp 105 in Afghanistan?" the younger one asked.

"Yes, sir."

The older man smiled, and both snapped a quick salute. "We would be honoured to have your presence at our Heroes Night ceremony this Friday, to celebrate the men and women of Boston who have served our country. Your work has been noted by many, and we would like to present you with a medal of valour, along with a few other soldiers who have shown bravery and valour during their service."

The doctor was surprised, but smiled. "It would be an honour for me to attend, sir. Thank you."

"No, Dr Isles. Thank _you_. You saved good people over there."

After exchanging the details and a few more pleasantries, the two men went on their way, leaving Maura to her own thoughts. The honey-blonde doctor slowly walked towards the kitchen, her mind elsewhere. She wasn't sure how to feel about the invitation, even though she'd already accepted. She thought about Lieutenant Rizzoli again, and she felt herself tense at the memory of those bloody, bandaged hands. Remembered the story of how she'd picked up a gun, even when her hands were so damaged, to save her captain. _She's a true hero…_

With a sigh, Maura went over to her bathroom. She still needed to do some shopping, and a job wasn't going to find itself.

* * *

By the time Friday rolled around, Maura had managed to slip back into many of her old habits. There were still nights when she'd wake up, shocked out of her sleep by vivid images of her time in the army. But she managed to push those nightmares away by making herself busy in the day, sifting through a surprising number of interview offers, and even some straight out job offers, cleaning her house, and getting everything in order. But in the night, she couldn't use the same distractions. So she'd close her eyes, and used the same tactic that had gotten her through her final days in that camp. _You're beautiful_.

The award ceremony began at six o'clock, which gave Maura at least nine hours before she had to worry about getting ready. The old habit of rising early was back, and Maura decided to use her time taking another look at her job applications.

Turning her laptop on, she opened her email window, checking her inbox. A new email waited for her there, from the OCME. Intrigued, Maura opened it and quickly read through it, her eyes widening slightly. There was an opening for a Chief Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, based at the Boston Police Department. It was exactly what the doctor had been looking for, and she made a quick email reply, indicating her interest for the position.

Maura had always preferred working with the dead. There was no judgement from the patient. No danger of killing them. No batting around with possibilities, no lack of information. All the information needed about a person was in the body, and there were no side-effects to any methods of trying to find more information. And she would be the voice for the dead, to help the living.

But as Maura leaned back in her chair, she realised that now she was at a loss of what to do. She had cleaned the house, settled back in, shopping for all her needs done. After a moment of deliberation, the honey-blonde decided to make a pot of coffee.

Coffee was such a luxury now, as Maura had never known it before her war experience. As she worked the machine carefully to make a rich, full-flavoured cup of coffee, she thought back to the constant lack of supplies at their camp. Coffee was hard to come by there, with broken supply chains and difficulties that came with a war. When the black drink was available, it was dark and bitter, often grainy and too watery. Fresh, smooth coffee was certainly a blissful experience after _that_.

All too soon though, Maura had her coffee cup in hand, sipping the piping hot liquid and left with nothing to do again. Glancing at the computer, she quickly looked away again, walking towards the lounge room. Sitting down on one side, she turned the TV on to one of her many documentary channels. When footage of war began to play, Maura quickly flipped the channel. _The Fog of War_ was certainly not something she needed now. The new channel was playing a new documentary on frogs in the Amazon. Settling against the cushions around her, Maura watched the screen as it showed brightly coloured frogs from different regions.

After about an hour of this, she couldn't take it much longer, and turned the TV off. It was so unlike Maura to be so distracted, but hardly anything the speaker said had sunk in. She was preoccupied, as she had been for most of this week. She looked towards the dining room again, where her laptop sat innocuously. She ran a finger around the rim of her now empty cup.

It really was incredibly silly. Why was she making such a big deal about not looking up Jane Rizzoli? But therein lay the problem. _Why_ did she want to look up Jane Rizzoli? But Maura's curiosity had never fully settled about the stranger that had existed in Maura's life for the briefest moment. Struggling with herself a little more, Maura finally decided that it was really just reaching a stage of nonsense. Walking back to her laptop purposefully, she set the cup on the counter and sat down. Opening her browser her fingers moved over the keys decisively. _Lieutenant Jane Rizzoli_. Then she paused again. Giving a small shake of her head, she pressed enter. What harm could it do, putting her incessant curiosity to rest?

The search results sprang up and Maura's jaw almost dropped before she caught herself as her mouse ghosted over the first link.

_Boston Heroes Night Award Ceremony_

What harm could it do?

* * *

The rational part of her mind told her she was being utterly ridiculous, feeling so nervous about the idea of this woman just happening to attend the same award ceremony as she was. That they shared a common home town. There wasn't even a guarantee that she'd be there. No, the website had listed who would be present to accept their award, and the brunette's name had been printed there clearly, for all to see.

Shaking her head, the doctor frowned at her own behaviour. She had donned her uniform, her golden locks pulled back into a bun, as regulation stated. She never really warmed to the uniform; it lacked the sort of style Maura preferred, but she still wore it with a certain amount of dignity and pride. And yet she was feeling worried, and not for accepting a medal, or for the speech she'd have to give when she accepted it.

It was a safe bet that Maura generally felt uncomfortable when it came to social interaction. She wasn't a social kind of person, but this was a first. Feeling nervous about possibly meeting the woman she'd met briefly in the middle of a battlefield, who had been unconscious for most of that time, properly, was certainly not something the doctor had ever encountered before, and it baffled the scientist in her. She could not diagnose the condition, or reason it into science. There wasn't enough data, and it dealt with an area that science was hard pressed to cover.

When the clock on her wall read five-thirty, Maura knew it was time to leave, picking up the keys to her light blue Prius and walking out the door. Starting up the engine, she took a deep breath, using the moment to meditate in an attempt to calm herself. Chances are, Jane wouldn't even remember her. Chances are, they wouldn't even meet properly. There was bound to be many members of the public there, families and friends of the awardees, the brass, the mayor and other members of the council… What was the chance of them meeting up?

* * *

Maura was seated at a table with some other doctors who had served at different camps in Afghanistan. They made some polite talk during the dinner, no one mentioning their war experiences. When the meal had concluded, the most noted war veteran of Boston took the stage again. As he was clapped, the old man, hair white as snow but with the same stern look of a general, looked out at the gathered people. Clearing his throat, his back ramrod straight, he began.

"Tonight, we are gathered here to honour the men and women of this country, who have sacrificed so much so that we may all sleep safely in our beds. We owe these soldiers our endless gratitude and respect, and I would like all of you to give a round of applause to our heroes."

The sound rolled around the hall, finally quietening down for the man to continue. "Many men and women have served this country faithfully. But the outstanding efforts of one man meant that not only one, but five people of his squad could return home…"

Maura listened politely, as each soldier was given his or her due. Until the hall fell silent again, and the old general began his speech again.

"We have had many great men and women, who have entered the service of our country, and fought bravely in battles so far from home. Over there, the enemy is everywhere, and the only people a soldier can count on are the ones by their side. It takes a special courage to venture out to take on the enemy. But it takes an even greater feat of strength and bravery to act on the spur of the moment to save another's life, even at the cost of one's own. One woman made such a move, not only removing a major target, but saving her captain's life, despite suffering severe wounds. Lieutenant Jane Rizzoli, I present you with your medal of valour, for your bravery and service to your fellow comrades, and your country."

Maura's eyes followed a tall brunette, as she stood up and made her way to the stage. She watched the beautiful woman shake the general's hand and accept the medal. She studied the soldier, looking dashing in the dress uniform of her rank, as she stood at the microphone and nervously gave her acceptance speech.

"I-I… didn't really prepare anything because… well… I didn't really think of myself as a hero... Most of you understand… what it's like out there, in the field. We all have to watch each other's backs. I was… I was just doin' my job, y'know, 'cause that's what we were trained to do, y'know. We were trained not to think of ourselves, but to act, y'know. And that's what I did… I just… I acted… and did what I had to do. I watched my guys' backs, 'cause that's what we do. Th-thank you."

* * *

All the awards had been given, the dinner eaten, and now the crowd was mingling. Maura found herself standing by the table serving drinks. Pouring herself a glass of white, she generally stayed away from the more crowded areas, her mind on the lieutenant who seemed to have mysteriously disappeared. The doctor had been touched by the sincerity and earnestness in Jane's speech, and it only served to make Maura even more curious about this remarkable woman. And yet, as her hazel eyes darted around the hall, she couldn't see the soldier anywhere.

"Hey."

Maura almost jumped, spinning around to look at her unexpected company. Hair pulled back into a tight bun, standing with military straightness, and wearing a small half-smile, Jane was looking at her curiously.

"Lieutenant Rizzoli!" Maura felt her face flush a little, and her heart rate increase – interesting reactions she filed away for later examination. "Sorry, you startled me. It's a pleasure to finally meet you properly," Maura smiled, extending a hand that was only barely shaking.

The lieutenant's smile widened a little, as she responded, "Call me Jane. And it's a pleasure to meet you too, Dr Isles." Jane reached her hand out to shake Maura's hand. It was then that Maura noticed the puckering of the skin against her palm, and she glanced down… to see the scar on the back of the brunette's hand which marked the exit point of the scalpel. It seemed that Jane had noticed Maura's glance, and followed her look to see it was the scars that were the object. As a result, the soldier quickly withdrew her hand and looked at the ground.

"Oh right… uh… I got these while I was over there."

Maura frowned a little, as she studied the woman in front of her. And then it struck her; Jane didn't recognise her. She didn't remember that moment when she regained consciousness and looked into Maura's eyes. For some reason, the thought saddened Maura, but she shook it off.

"Well, I'm glad you've been able to make a full recovery, Lieute- Jane."

The use of her name seemed to draw Jane out of her place, and she gave a weak smile. "Thank you, Dr Isles."

"And please, call me Maura." She smiled, looking into dark unsure eyes.

A crease formed on Jane's forehead, and she seemed to be thinking. "Uh… this probably sounds crazy but… have we met?"

The question caught the doctor off guard, and she quickly grasped for an appropriate answer. Should she mention that moment? Would it be awkward? There was no doubt that Jane would rather not think about that time, and Maura didn't want to take the conversation any further in that direction. But she couldn't outright lie, so she gave a non-committal shrug. "It wouldn't have been _very_ unusual for us to cross paths sometime during our service."

This answer seemed to amuse the tall brunette, as she chuckled. "That was the most roundabout answer I've ever heard."

"But not incorrect," Maura felt she needed to add.

It seemed Jane had loosened up a little, as she was smiling again, and there was a little twinkle in her eye as she regarded Maura. It sent a tingle through the honey-blonde's body, as she felt her own mouth turn upwards in response.

"Why don't we go sit down? It'll be more comfortable than standing here all night."

And with that, Maura was led off to a table by Jane, where they spent the night talking with ease. Maybe it wasn't very unusual for two American servicemen to chance across each other. But Maura, who had based her entire understanding of the world on solid facts and truth, couldn't help thinking that it was just as much luck as it was mathematical chance that she had crossed paths with Lieutenant Jane Rizzoli.


	4. Asking Questions

_**A/N:**__ New update! I've had some amazing reviews and PMs, and they've resulted in ideas and stuff for future chapters! Thank you all so, so much, I always feel so unbelievably happy whenever you guys take the time to leave me a review! I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and I hope I'm not rushing it or anything. Please let me know what you think!_

* * *

Maura glanced at the clock in her office. _Five more minutes_. It was eleven fifty-five, and the honey-blonde doctor had arrangements to spend her lunch break with one Jane Rizzoli. They had really hit it off at the award ceremony two weeks ago, and had since decided to stay in contact. It had started with agreeing to meet up for a cup of coffee on Sunday morning. The encounter still brought a smile to Maura's face as she recalled it.

_Maura left her house early in the morning, opting to walk towards their designated meeting spot, a café on Milk Street. She'd put a little more effort into her outfit than she normally would for a simple cup of coffee. But in the time between Friday night and Sunday morning Maura realised that she was drawn to Jane. She was intrigued, fascinated… attracted… to this brave, beautiful being. It was unsettling, how even the thought of Jane could bring forth such a strong feeling in Maura. It was unprecedented, and there was little in the way of science that could diagnose what it was that the doctor was going through. However, by Saturday night, after a day of shopping and puzzling over the emotions she was feeling, she'd come to the conclusion that she was very much attracted to this mysterious lieutenant._

_As she made her way through the busy streets of central Boston, she constantly glanced at her watch, making sure she wasn't late. Maura Isles was never late, and she was most certainly not going to be late for this. The thought of seeing Jane again made the honey-blonde smile, and she realised she seemed much chirpier than usual as she nodded or said good morning to passers-by._

_At ten twenty-three, she pushed the door of the café open, and the rich aroma of good coffee and fresh toast filled her nose. She was seven minutes early. Deciding that she should probably find a table for them, she turned to look for an empty one… to see Jane smiling and waving at her from a table by the window. The surprise was quickly replaced by a huge beaming smile as the doctor made her way over to where the brunette was sitting._

_"Good morning, Jane. You're a little early."_

_"Morning, Maura." Jane flashed her a cheeky grin. "You should be glad. After having to wake up at five in the morning every day for the last three years, you'd think I'd want to sleep in a little on a Sunday morning."_

_"Oh," Maura frowned a little, disappointed. "I certainly didn't mean for you to give up your right to a proper rest when I suggested this. I'm sorry."_

_Jane looked at her incredulously for a moment, before bursting into laughter._

_"What? What did I say?" Maura looked about in confusion, unsure of what just happened._

_Jane finally calmed down enough to explain. "I was being sarcastic, Maura. I didn't really mean it. I was just joking around."_

_"Oh! Right!" Maura chuckled a little, embarrassed. "I didn't realise. I wasn't really exposed to much sarcasm growing up, I suppose."_

_"Yeah, well, when you're growing up with two younger brothers, sarcasm is your best bet for staying sane."_

_"Oh, you have siblings?"_

_"Yep. Frankie and Tommy," Jane gestured for one of the waitresses. "Let's order something first before I start telling you about the trouble we got into."_

And the morning flew by as Jane regaled her with the many antics in the Rizzoli household. Maura learnt that Jane had been the eldest, and something of a hero to both her younger brothers. They had often joined together to make trouble in the strict Catholic school they had attended as children, making fun of the teachers and pranking other students. Maura laughed just as much at Jane's sheepishness at her wayward ways as she did at the stories Jane had spilled forth.

But when Maura asked about where they were now, the light seemed to leave the brunette's eye. _"Tommy's in prison, last I heard. Frankie still over there."_ Maura didn't have to ask what Jane meant. She let it rest, and tried to turn their attention back to something more light-hearted. After giving a few of her own stories, it worked, and Jane smiled again. Maura liked that smile. She liked it very much.

The next time they'd met up had been another four days later, on Thursday, when they decided to have lunch together. It was to Maura's delight when Jane had called the night before to see if she was busy.

_"Hello, Jane. To what do I owe this pleasure?"_

_A chuckle. "I was just wondering if you were free tomorrow. I thought maybe we could get lunch together, y'know, if you weren't too busy or anything. I mean, you probably have heaps of things to do, but I thought maybe I'd just ask, uh, but y'know, if… if you–"_

_"Jane, I'd love to go have lunch with you."_

_"Oh, great! Haha, okay, well then… I… I guess I'll see you tomorrow then. Bye, Maura."_

_And Jane hung up before Maura could even ask where and when they were going to meet up. Then about ten seconds later, the phone rang again. Smiling, she answered it._

_"Right, that was stupid, I didn't even tell you when or where to meet up." Maura could hear the flustered tone of Jane's voice, and had to stifle a giggle. "Um… how's… I know this really nice Italian place." Maura listened to some rustling in the background, and then Jane gave her the address. Jotting it down quickly, she could feel her heart racing. It was just lunch between two acquaintances. So why did she feel so excited and nervous?_

_When Maura pulled up in front of the quaint little Italian restaurant the next day, she caught sight of a familiar brunette walking down the street towards it. She felt her mouth lifting as she watched the Jane walk towards her with a kind of natural swagger, an easy grace that was so different to the stiff soldier's gait on award night. She was wearing a black leather vest and jeans, and Maura couldn't help noting how good Jane looked in the combination. She exuded confidence. And it was incredibly attractive._

_At that moment, Jane seemed to notice her, and a smile spread across her face. Maura's heart fluttered, as she responded with her own smile._

_"Jane."_

_"Hi, Maura."_

_She could feel the intensity of Jane's gaze on her, those dark eyes so expressive and warm. And she blushed at Jane's next words._

_"You look beautiful today."_

_"Thank you," Maura gave a little shake of her shoulders, smiling. "You look quite dashing yourself." She could feel the increasing heat in her own cheeks at her admission, but was pleased to see the effect it had on the taller woman before her._

_As they made their way into the warm interior of the restaurant, the rich aromas of Italian herbs and spice filling the air, Maura glanced at the time. Jane led them over to a table by the window, and pulled a seat out for Maura first before taking a seat herself. The unthinking chivalry of Jane's character had made itself apparent from the moment Maura met her, and it never failed to send a thrill through her._

_"I'm sorry, Jane, I don't mean to rush us, but I just wanted to say that I do have an interview for a job this afternoon at four. I hope that's alright with you."_

_"Oh, of course, Maura. Wow, you should've said, I mean, you didn't have to come have lunch, I understand, I mean this is big…"_

_Maura hid her smile. Jane seemed to have a tendency to begin rambling whenever she was nervous or wound up. "Jane, I'm delighted to be here with you. Actually… I'm a little nervous. I thought that spending lunch with you might help keep me calm."_

_"Oh." Jane seemed to relax a little. "Okay. What's the job?"_

For the next three hours they chattered, and Maura talked about the job she was going for, as Chief Medical Examiner.

_"Why medical examiner? Why not a doctor?"_

_Maura thought to herself carefully. It was a question she had asked herself many times before, even before her time in the army. Before all the broken bodies and spirits. Before the screams of pain and staring death in the face every day. Maura had never been good with people, never been good with dealing with them, talking to them. And after the horrors she'd witnessed in Afghanistan, she'd had enough. Too many had bled out on her table. Too much was at stake. She couldn't look at a live body on her table without imagining the person waking up, screaming in pain while she still had her hands in their body. When there just wasn't enough anaesthetic to go around, it happened. And she still had nightmares. Of people dying, despite her best efforts, their life's blood pooling out around their body, draining away…_

_"Because then I can speak for the dead."_

_Jane looked at her, curious. But Maura didn't want to say what was on her mind. She didn't want to admit that she was still haunted by these demons. Not to someone who had obviously been through so much more. So she picked the easier truth to tell._

_"Because I can help people who can no longer help themselves. I can give them a voice, and grant their families peace."_

_The lieutenant nodded slowly. "I… didn't see it like that. That's… that's pretty damn amazing."_

The last time they'd met up was a week and a day after their lunch together. Maura had called Jane again, excited. She'd gotten the job, and the first person she wanted to share the information with was with Jane. She didn't really have anyone else to share the news with… wouldn't have had anyone. But Jane.

_"Jane!"_

_"Hey, Maura. You sound excited!"_

_"I got the job!"_

_"You got the job!? Congratulations! When do you start?"_

_"Thank you. I begin on Monday, but it's mostly an orientation day, getting to know the place and settle into the office and those kind of things."_

_"Sounds great! I'm really happy for you! Why don't we go out for celebratory drinks or something?"_

_"Tonight?"_

_"If you're not busy."_

_"That sounds like a wonderful idea."_

_She could hear the grin in Jane's voice. "Good. First round is on me."_

_They'd wound up at a bar not too far from where Maura would be working. The Boston Police Department was only a few blocks away from The Dirty Robber, the bar they had picked out for their celebratory drinks. Maura noted that Jane's choice of drink was a cold beer, as opposed to her own taste for red wine. The place they were in now was also not Maura's typical choice of a Friday night hangout, but Jane seemed the most comfortable she'd ever been in the dimly lit atmosphere of the bar._

_After a few drinks, Jane also loosened up a little, and for the first time, Jane talked about herself a little more. And not just the troublesome antics they got up to, like she had at their first meeting. Maura learnt a little more about her childhood, the helicopter Ma always worrying about the Rizzoli kids and the cool Pop that took them out to the ball games… It painted a beautiful picture of a childhood Maura had never had. And she found herself laughing with each story, as the wine began to cloud her own mind._

Maura smiled. It was a fun night, and for the first time Maura felt like she'd learnt a little more about Jane, as a person. Just a little. She couldn't help noticing that every other encounter always ended up with Jane deflecting whenever she asked a question. Jane was happy to talk about fun stories, but the moment it got a little more personal, Jane always shied away from giving an answer. Like she was hiding something, like she didn't want to get too close and comfortable with anyone.

Glancing at the clock again, Maura realised that it was actually three past twelve now. _She was_ _three minutes late_. She quickly grabbed her purse and jacket and left her office, making her way for the café across the street from the precinct, where she was going to meet Jane.

With each step she took, the newly appointed medical examiner couldn't help feeling the rising nervousness. She closed her eyes for a moment as she waited for the elevator doors to open again, and allow her to walk into the foyer. As she made her way towards the doors of the BPD, she realised she was actually fidgeting, playing with the purse in her hands, and stopped. It was unlike her to be so jittery, but Maura was about to do something today. She was about to take a step towards something she realised she had wanted since the moment she saw Lieutenant Jane Rizzoli step onto the stage and receive that badge of honour.

She was sure she'd seen some signs that Jane might have an interest in her as well. The sly glances, the lingering looks, the twinkle in those eyes whenever they looked at her… Maura might not have been good at with people, but she had perfected the art of reading people's faces, and deducing their feelings. And she was sure she was wasn't just projecting the dilated pupils, and the movements of the orbicularis oculi, occipitofrontalis and orbicularis oris, which had all hinted at signs of attraction. Or had she misread the signs?

_No_. She wouldn't talk herself out of this. She wouldn't back herself into a corner again. As she pushed the door to the little café open, she took a deep breath. Preparing herself for what she intended to do.

And there was Jane, sitting at a table towards the back, smiling and waving at her. She felt herself smile back, though her stomach felt like a giant bundle of nerves. But despite her anxiety, she felt a warmth inside her that only Jane could put there. Seeing the lanky woman always brightened Maura's day.

"Hey." As always, Jane stood up and pulled out Maura's seat for her.

"Hello, Jane. How have you been?"

The brunette gave a non-committal shrug; a common answer to Maura's questions. "I'm okay. How are you?" Jane grinned. "How's your first day at work?"

"Oh, it's been quite uneventful so far. I've just been acquainting myself with the labs and the morgue and my office. I moved a few things in this morning, and staff have been showing me around a little, just so I could get a feel of where everything is."

"The morgue." Jane pulled a face, but Maura noticed the little shiver Jane had tried to hide. "Well, sounds like it's going pretty good."

"Pretty well."

"Huh?"

Maura looked down, a little embarrassed at her compulsive need to correct bad grammar. "Oh, nothing, it's just… you should say 'pretty well' instead of 'pretty good'. It's not good English."

She was surprised when she got an easy chuckle in response. People usually tended to look at her strangely, or get annoyed at her. But Jane only smiled, eyes sparkling. "Fine. _Pretty well_. Better?" Those warm brown eyes told Maura that Jane was teasing her.

"Yes." She caught Jane's playful eye roll at her sniffy response.

They ordered lunch, and spent the next hour just chatting, mostly about Maura and her new job. With another glance at the watch on her wrist, Maura realised she'd have to get back to work soon. The moment was upon her now, and it was now or never.

After they paid for their lunch and left, Jane walked Maura back to the precinct. But at the base of the stairs, Maura stopped and turned towards the brunette. Her heart was racing and she could feel her mouth going dry. She tried to swallow, and took a deep breath, closing her eyes and trying to meditate.

"Jane."

"Hmmm?"

"I… I was wondering…" Maura paused, and the silence stretched between them.

"What? What is it, Maura?" Jane was watching her, curiosity burning in her eyes.

"I…" Maura took another breath, willing herself to be brave enough. She had never been so tongue-tied and inadequate with words before. "I was wondering… i-if you'dliketogoonadatewithme."

The words came out in a jumble, and Jane's blank expression told her she hadn't understood. "Would you like… to… to go on a date… with me?"

"Oh…" The blank expression changed into a closed off one, and Maura felt her heart sink. "I… no… Maura… I-I'm sorry… I… I can't." Maura looked down, trying to swallow her disappointment. "Hey… no… Maura… I'm sure you'd be an amazing person to date, it's just… I-I can't… I'm so sorry. We can… we can still be friends… right?"

Clearing her throat, and finding herself unable to meet those dark eyes, Maura nodded. "Of course…" She glanced at her watch, not because she really needed to know the time as much as she needed an excuse to run, away from here. From Jane. "Oh, I really should go now. Have work…" Her voice trailed off, wavering near the end.

"Oh… yeah… right. Well… it was great seeing you again…"

"Yes… I mean… it was good to see you too… I should go…" And Maura turned and made her way up the stairs as quickly as possible. She gave a wave over her shoulder, but she couldn't look back. She didn't want Jane to see the single tear that had escaped to run down her cheek.


	5. Learning Secrets

_**A/N:**__ New update! So I got a lot of reviews and PMs about Jane turning Maura down. I know, it was really mean on Maura! But maybe there's some answers here to the questions some of you asked. And probably some more questions too. I really wanted to thank every single one of my readers though, who have favourited, followed or reviewed this story. You guys really make my day, and motivate me to write the next chapter so I won't let you down! I think I might need a lot of that starting from tomorrow though... Uni's back! Which means work and waking up early and... eurgh. I'll try my best to update at least once a week, but no guarantees. But I promise I'll keep working at this a bit every day :) Thank you all for reading, and please let me know what you all think! :)_

* * *

Maura was crushed.

She hadn't realised just how much she'd set her heart on this until she had been turned down. _Foolish_. She chastised herself as she made her way down to the basement, where her office was located. It _was_ foolish, letting herself get carried away with conjecture without solid proof to back it up. She had only had circumstantial data to go on when she hypothesised a possible mutual attraction between them. She wasn't supposed to have put so much hope into Jane saying yes. The blow wasn't supposed to feel so hard.

But it did.

So the doctor threw herself into her work. One of the few good things that had come out of the war was Maura's ability to compartmentalise. Being surrounded by death and danger, it was a necessity. Blocking everything out except the job at hand. It had helped keep her sane. Like the brunette soldier's words had. Jane. _No_.

* * *

Maura left the precinct at six, the sky still bright as the long days of summer reigned. It hadn't been a hard day of work at all. The most exhausting task had been reading over recent cases and familiarising herself with each of the reports the various police departments had filed. But as she stepped into her car, she stifled a yawn. Even though the work hadn't been difficult, the focus she'd put in as she read the documents had been overwhelming. It had successfully kept her sense of disappointment at bay for most of the day, but it also left Maura feeling drained.

However, in the close confines of her Prius, which she'd recently had serviced after its three years of disuse, there was nothing to distract her. Nothing to push the memories from earlier that day from her mind. And as she drove through the choked streets filled with Boston traffic, the scene replayed itself over and over in her head, inescapable.

_The blank look on her face. The way the emotion seemed to shut itself off, leaving an empty mask behind. The words… Those words that felt like an ice cold dagger piercing her heart… "I can't…"_

_"I can't."_

_I can't?_

* * *

The sun had finally disappeared, the night finally creeping in to reclaim the world for itself. In her large house in Beacon Hill, the quiet of a neighbourhood gone to sleep was almost unsettling for a reason Maura couldn't pinpoint.

It was just past eleven, and Maura was lying in bed, restless.

She'd decided to have an early night, already in bed by ten. But as she lay there, listening to the silence that filled her house, she was unable to sleep. It was unusual. The doctor had trained herself to be able to fall asleep regardless of any circumstance. In a war zone, you took your rest whenever you could get it. Maura hadn't had trouble with falling asleep since the early days of working as a medical officer in the harsh plains of Afghanistan. And yet now, in the peace and quiet of the suburb, she found herself tossing and turning, and sleep a stranger.

Giving up on sleep, Maura lay on her back, hands on her chest as she contemplated the ceiling. Huffing, she frowned. But the niggling feeling didn't fade.

For some unknown reason, she found herself worried. There was a deep-seated disquiet in her that wouldn't fade away. And the object for her worry was even more startling.

She was worried about _Jane_.

And she didn't know why. No amount of scientific reasoning seemed to be able to provide an answer for her. She wasn't worried about how their… friendship… might proceed from this point. She wasn't even sure if there would still _be_ a friendship to speak of. It wasn't anxiety over how things had gone earlier that day. It was a feeling of unease _for _Jane. Something that didn't sit right with Maura. And she couldn't shrug it off.

Perhaps it was something in the way Jane's face seemed to become almost… apart from herself. The way it had frozen, all emotion slipping away like smoke in the wind. Or perhaps it was the words she said. _I can't._ It could be simple, maybe Jane really couldn't date Maura, maybe the feelings just weren't there. But there was something in the way she had said it, that made her think otherwise. And there it was again. Something that made her feel like Jane was… hiding something.

So what to do?

Maura Isles was the epitome of practicality. All her life, it was about what was best. For her family, for her patients, for herself. If there was a problem, the only way forward was to find the solution. It had set her in good stead for her time in college and medical school, and of course, in the field.

But what Maura had in practicality, skill and brilliance in the scientific capacity, she admitted she lacked in the social capacity. Maybe that was why she excelled when it came to science, where she could immerse herself in research, in analysis, in methods and knowledge. And maybe that was why she found herself changing out of her silk pyjamas into a pair of jeans and a silk t-shirt top. And found herself in front of Jane's apartment block.

Sitting in her car, Maura asked herself exactly why she was here. Looking across the street at the brick and granite building, she wondered if this was even wise. It was nearing midnight, the streets were dark and silent, and Jane had no idea she was here. In fact, the only reason Maura knew where Jane lived was because she had looked up the address in the phonebook. Perhaps it wasn't very… _usual_ behaviour to look up someone's place of residence, but Maura had never been known for being _usual_.

It didn't escape her that Jane had neglected to tell Maura where she lived, even though she had been to the blonde's house once before, after their night at the bar, celebrating her success in getting the position as medical examiner.

She'd invited the ex-soldier over afterwards, after they'd shared some more details about each other – or Maura shared some more of her own life with Jane – and Jane found out that she lived in the "fancier part of town". It had been a brief visit, Maura showing Jane around a little, taking her through to see the living area, kitchen, backyard and guest house. She could still remember the impressed look on the brunette's face, and for what may have been the first time in her life, she felt a little self-conscious. Jane hadn't said anything, but her reaction to the discretely expensive feel of the place, coupled with the few stories she had shared, hinted that she hadn't come from a similarly privileged background.

Pushing the memory aside, Maura let out a long, slow breath. An internal battle raged, between whether she should go through with this plan of action. Showing up in the middle of the night at an acquaintance's apartment after they had turned you down earlier that day was certainly not a very good course of action.

The cool breeze was welcoming against her skin, unusual for a July night. In a few steps, Maura found herself at the bottom of the stairs to the apartment block. It almost surprised Maura, that she had actually come this far, despite her mind telling her that she shouldn't. In fact, it _did _surprise Maura. This was unprecedented, yet here she was, finding herself being pulled towards Jane by nothing but pure feeling alone. She couldn't remember the last time she'd let her feelings control any of her actions. She wasn't sure she ever had.

But the worry that continued to sit in the pit of her stomach stayed there, and the instinctual need to see Jane only grew. Instinct wasn't a stranger to Maura, of course. More than once, she'd had to rely on instinct when she was operating in that dusty tent, but in truth, she preferred not to listen to her gut. But this was new, relying on her instinct when she didn't need to. Without a life at stake. Without any imminent danger present.

Maura now found herself in front of the doors that led into the building. But as she reached for the corresponding buzzer to Jane's apartment, she hesitated. Maybe this was too rash, too inappropriate. After deliberating for another minute, Maura pulled out her phone. It would be far more sensible at least calling the woman first.

Maura realised she was holding her breath as she listened to the sound of the phone ringing on the other end. She wasn't even sure what she would say when Jane picked up, if Jane picked up. The shrill sound of the phone tone seemed to stretch on for ages, but there was no answer. Finally, the call diverted itself to voicemail, and Maura hung up. Seeing as she was already there though, she reached out and pressed the buzzer. Jane would have to be home now, where else could she be? But there was no answer there either, and the uneasiness in the pit of her stomach seemed to grow. Biting her lip, she looked up the side of the building, seeing some windows lit up, while most were dark.

About to give up, Maura turned away from the door, and almost bumped into a young woman.

"Oh, sorry," the younger woman chirped, smiling. Maura hated to guess, but she judged the person to be anywhere between eighteen and twenty-five. The other woman looked at her curiously. "Were you visiting someone?"

"Oh… I um…" Maura felt flustered, telling someone else why she was there. "I came to see a… an acquaintance. I just wanted to check on her, but she didn't answer my call, and she didn't respond to the buzzer." She hesitated. "I'm worried about her."

The woman nodded. "It wouldn't be the war veteran that recently came back, would it?"

"Actually… it is. Do you know her?"

"Oh no, I only moved in last year, when I moved out of my parents place and started college. The place across the hall was empty until a few weeks ago, when, I think it was… Lieutenant Rizzoli?" Maura nodded. "Yeah, until she moved in. I don't see her very often actually… I've only bumped into her twice in the last three weeks or so…"

"Oh…"

"I'm Marisa, by the way. Marisa Rodriguez."

"Maura Isles," she extended her hand to shake the cheerful woman's before her.

"Here, I'll let you in." Marisa produced a key, and unlocked the door. Maura smiled her thanks, stepping into the stuffy hallway that led to an old lift and a staircase.

They both began up the flights of stairs in silence, each step creaking slightly. It was an old building, Maura could tell. She could see it in the yellow light of the hallway, the bits of flaking paint in the corners of the walls. But it was well cared for, and she could see that it had recently undergone some minor renovation. A new carpet covered the floor, and the banister of the stairs was polished wood.

When they finally came to the right floor, Marisa gave Maura a smile. "It was nice meeting you, Maura. This is my place."

"It was nice meeting you too, Marisa." She waved goodbye to the friendly college student, before turning and facing the door to Jane's apartment. The click of the door behind her told her she was now completely alone, standing on the third floor landing. Taking a deep breath, Maura stepped up to the door. There was no point stalling, and she knocked on the wood, the sound breaking the silence that had followed Marisa's departure.

There was no response.

Maybe Jane was asleep. She decided to try one more time, rapping the wood smartly with her knuckles.

And then she heard a thud. A thump. A crash.

Maura's eyes widened, and her hands flew to the handle, twisting it and pushing at the door, but to no avail. Of course. It was locked. The sound of another crash from within reached her, and a sense of fear flooded through her body. Then the army training kicked in, and Maura moved away from the door. Looking down, however, she realised she was wearing heels. That wouldn't do. Breaking a door down with a heavy army boot was all well and good, but heels would do nothing. A bare foot wouldn't be much better. She wondered if she could use her shoulder, but that kind of strength had never been her forte. Instead, she pulled out two bobby pins from her hair, and bent them. As quickly as she could, she began to pick at the lock, and a few seconds later, there was a click.

Grabbing the door, she pushed it open.

Devastation. Shards of glass were strewn across the ground, a table overturned and lying amidst the shattered remains of what looked plates and other pottery. A chair lay broken, one of its legs lying two metres away. The couch had been shoved haphazardly off centre, dragging the carpet it sat on with it. And then her eyes found Jane, huddled in a corner of the room.

Next thing she knew, Jane was on her.

Maura fell back in shock, as Jane charged her, managing to roll to the side in time to miss the tackle the brunette had thrown at her. Scrambling through the debris, she turned to see a wild-eyed woman bearing down on her, holding the broken chair leg. Quickly getting to her feet, she backed away, hands outstretched to show she meant no harm. _That won't mean anything_, Maura realised, as she stared into empty eyes. Ducking aside as Jane made to try and hit her, she quickly changed direction so she wouldn't get backed into a corner. _It's PTSD_.

It was clear that Jane was caught in the middle of a violent episode of post-traumatic stress disorder. She recognised the symptoms: the distant look in those eyes, like they weren't seeing what was in front of them, the way nothing seemed to reach the brunette; words, gestures, nothing was getting through to Jane. She could see that Jane was caught in the grips of some terror, but her mind was failing to come up with the appropriate way to try and calm her.

Keeping her eyes on Jane, Maura's mind worked furiously, trying to remember what she had learnt, through training, through medical school, through her own readings… she didn't know what had triggered the attack, at least not exactly. No doubt a war memory. _Her hands_. She caught a glimpse of one of the scars on the back of Jane's hand. Scars that had always been hidden by fingerless gloves every time Maura had met Jane, but uncovered and exposed now.

"NO."

The shout made Maura jump, as Jane lunged at her again a mixture of fury and fear twisting her features. Locked inside some nightmare. Reliving the horror again.

"Jane." She couldn't think of anything else, except to say Jane's name, but she took care to say it calmly, gently. "Jane. Jane, it's okay. It's not real. Jane."

The words seemed to have no effect.

"Jane. Calm down, it's not real, it's over. Whatever's haunting you, it isn't real anymore. Jane. Jane, listen to me. Please. Jane." Maura moved in a circle, careful not to let herself be backed into any corners. Jane's moves were fierce, but clumsy, and she was able to dodge them easily enough. She bit her lip. "Jane, it's me. It's Maura. I'm your… I'm your friend. Remember? Remember me, Jane? You told me that story about you and Frankie and Tommy." She wasn't sure if she was doing the right thing. But it was one of the few stories she had about Jane, one of the few happy memories she knew Jane had. "You were eleven, and your brothers were eight and five. It was a summer evening, and your father came home from work while you were playing ball in front of your house. And when he got out of that… that 'beat-up plumber's van' you all ran up to him, racing each other to see who would get to hug him first. And you always let your brothers win, every day. And that day, when you hugged him, he smiled and asked you to guess what he got. And then he pulled out those Red Sox tickets, and you all became ecstatic, because you were finally going to go and see a game. And it's still one of the best nights you ever had, sitting in the crowd in your old Red Sox jersey, screaming as you watched your favourite player scored a home run. Your whole family was there, and you let Frankie sit on your father's shoulders, and you hoisted Tommy up yourself, during the final run, and you said yourself, you'd never felt so happy as you did in that moment." Maura felt her voice quiver towards the end. She looked searchingly into dark brown eyes, no longer backing away as halfway through her story, Jane had stopped. And now, as she finished the tale that Jane had told her during that night of drinks, she saw the distant look in those eyes fade away. A clarity replaced them, and she watched as Jane seemed to awaken to herself. The taller woman blinked, then stared at Maura.

"Wha… Maura? What…" She had noticed the piece of wood in her hands, and then suddenly she seemed to notice the destruction of their surroundings. And her eyes widened as she instantly dropped the wood like it had burned her and began to back away. "Oh my god… no… no, no, no…"

The look of horror on her face, the look of self-loathing, sent ice cold shards through Maura's being, and she quickly tried to follow Jane. But when she took a step forward, Jane almost threw herself backwards, away from Maura's outstretched hands, away from her.

"Get away from me!"

It was like a slap to her face, but Maura ignored it. She could see the fear in those dark, dark eyes. She could see the fury in them, the hatred. And she could see that they weren't directed at her. And she would be damned if she let Jane continue like this. So she took another step forward, even as Jane stepped back. But unlike Maura had during the attack, Jane didn't look behind her, and soon had herself backed into the wall. When she realised, she pushed herself against it, curling up and covering her face. Hands wound themselves in long messy strands that looked black in the moonlight that filtered in through the crack in the curtains. The scars stood out pale and livid against her skin, as the soldier who had been given the medal of valour and named a hero of Boston huddled in the darkness of a broken apartment.

Maura cautiously reached out, touching Jane's arm, and the woman instantly lashed out, not physically perhaps, but certainly verbally. "_Don't touch me!_" The voice was harsh, on the edge of cracking. "Get out." Quieter. But still hard.

"No."

"GET OUT."

"I won't." Maura knelt in front of the lieutenant, trying to catch her eye, trying to reach her. "I'm not leaving, Jane."

Using the brunette's name seemed to bring a small change over her. Maura watched the shoulders slump, saw the fight leave Jane's body though the muscles remained tense. Jane turned her head away, and when she spoke again, her voice was hoarse, almost empty of emotion. A humourless laugh, if it could be called that, fell from her lips. "Would you still want to go on that date with a broken person like me?"

The words hurt Maura. The hopelessness in them. She hardly knew Jane, it was true, but everything she had seen of Jane, everything she had come to understand, made Jane out to be a hero, the epitome of strong and unbreakable. And seeing someone that people everywhere no doubt looked up to sitting here in moonlight and darkness, as fragile as any person could be, was heart-wrenching.

_Why does it surprise you though? You've seen the war and what it does to people. You know how people change after they've been through it. You were one of them_.

But as she looked at the person in front of her, she felt something inside her chest. But it wasn't pity, or empty sympathy. Jane didn't want pity, Jane would loathe it. It was something else, but Maura was at a loss to say what. Instead, she reached out tentatively, to brush Jane's arm. "Jane…" Her own voice was soft, only a whisper, but it was enough to convince Jane to look in her direction. And when she caught her eye, she made sure she held them. "Jane, you're not broken."

When Jane closed her eyes and looked away, Maura grabbed her arm, desperate not to lose the brunette. "No, Jane. Listen to me. You're not broken. You're _not_. And you're not weak, or pathetic either. This… it is a common response after traumatic experiences in war. Men and women who have faced less than you… they have been known to suffer depression, or… or PTSD. You… you went through a lot," Maura's eyes flicked down to the scars on Jane's hands. She regretted it, when Jane noticed and hid them away. "Jane, please listen to me. What you're going through, it can only be described as normal.

"Normal? You call flipping out over nothing and throwing things around and breaking things and attacking innocents normal?" Her voice was harsh again.

"That's not what I meant, Jane, and you know it. It would be strange if you didn't have some kind of reaction to whatever it was you went through… as a soldier." She felt that now would not be a time to bring up any specifics. "The human body is only capable of taking so much stress, whether it is physically, psychologically, or emotionally. And I want to help you, Jane. I can help you."

Jane was looking at her now. But her expression was closed off, emotionless, except for her eyes. She could see the vulnerability in them. And in her next question. "Why?"

For a moment, Maura wasn't sure how to answer. But when her eyes found Jane's again, she opened her mouth and the words came out. "Because you helped me, Jane." She took a deep breath. "You saved me. So let me help you."


	6. Taking Steps

_**A/N:**__ Hey guys! I'm sorry, it's been a week, hasn't it? I'm actually amazed I got this out, I swear uni just decided it'd be nice to pound me into the ground from the get go. Not that I'm complaining! I'm loving uni, but seriously, 9AM starts on a Monday morning... eurgh. I hate that it take so long getting to the damn uni. ANYWAY._

_Thank you all so, so much for the feedback and the follows and favourites. It seriously just brightens my whole day! I had a couple of questions about when/whether Maura will tell Jane about that moment in the army. ... I guess you'll have to wait and see! And it was great hearing what you all thought about the fact that Jane had PTSD. It's still early in the story, so we've got a bit of a ride ahead of us, I think. I hope you guys will stay on this the journey with Jane and Maura! Okay I'm talking too much._

_Thank you all so much, for the well wishes with uni, and for the feedback and everything else in between. I hope you guys like this chapter, and I'll do my best to update as regularly as possible! I promise I won't leave it unfinished. Enjoy!_

* * *

It wasn't easy. But then again, Maura knew from the start that it wouldn't be easy. All the training she'd had before, and all the readings she'd done after were enough to let her know that it would be a challenge.

But it was a challenge she was willing to face.

This woman, whom she barely knew, had brought her back from a brink she hadn't realised she'd been standing on. In the middle of the horrors that war wrought on them every day, Jane had brought a breath of fresh air, a whisper of hope. Jane had woken something up in the honey-blonde that she thought had died long ago.

After that moonlit encounter at Jane's apartment, Maura gave the brunette some space. After all, they were still near strangers, and it was clear that the soldier needed some time alone. But after three days of silence, Maura knew she had to take the next step. Based off their past interaction, Maura suspected that Jane would never come to her. Jane would never ask for help. So she'd have to go to Jane.

It was a Thursday evening, and Maura had just finished work. As she stepped out into the warm evening air, she glanced at the phone in her hand once more. She didn't want to push, but she was worried about Jane. More worried about her than she had a right to be. But she had already admitted to herself that she was drawn to this woman. There was something about her that made the doctor's heart beat faster, made her feel nervous and awkward, like some teenage girl out of one of those silly love stories she'd never had any interest in reading as a child.

For the most part, she tried to ignore that part of her feelings. She was a grown woman, an educated doctor, and now a chief medical examiner. She had seen things that most people would never even be able to imagine. And yet here she was, trying to push down these sensations and emotions that she didn't really understand. A small part inside of her registered that maybe she should feel some tiny piece of horror at the violence of Jane's actions that night. Maybe she should feel some bit of pity for the suffering Jane was clearly in. Even Jane saw herself as a monster. But when Maura looked at the dark haired soldier that night, she had only seen a woman who had been through so much, had been so brave and strong – as still brave and strong. But she was a little lost. She just had to be found again.

Bringing up Jane's number again on her phone, she took a deep breath. Finger hovering over the call button. Then she pressed down, and watched as her phone put the call through. Then she held it up, and listened.

Once. Twice. Three times. And on and on, but Jane didn't pick up. Maura bit her lip, hanging up as she was directed to voicemail, and made her way over to her car. She'd try again later.

* * *

Maura sat down at her kitchen table, phone in front of her.

She wasn't experienced at this. She wasn't well-versed in the appropriate interactions between near two people who barely knew each other. This was uncharted waters, and Maura was out of her depth. No amount of books could help her either, and her years of training and education wouldn't be of any assistance. As she thought back to her years of growing up, she was reminded again of just how alone she had been. She'd never minded it much, or maybe she had just gotten used to it. Being brought up by such wealthy parents meant she never wanted for anything. She always had the best of everything. But sometimes she wondered if she'd really missed out on the better bargain. Living in a family where the mothers would kiss their daughter goodnight, the fathers ran around with the child on his shoulders. Living in a household brought up with laughter and warmth, not propriety and reserve. She had never had that emotional connection with her parents that so many people around her seemed to share. But then again, she'd never been an open person herself.

Through all her years in school, right up to and through college, Maura didn't really have friends. So immersed in her books, and in the intricate and fascinating world of science, she never really felt the loss. There were some people who were nice to her, who sometimes spoke with her, or sat with her during lunch. But most just ignored that girl who sat by herself at the front of the class, who for the top marks for everything, but never really hung out with anyone. She knew most other people thought of her as strange. It only made her bury herself in books more.

As a result, Maura didn't really know what to do here. She never really yearned for companionship. And that was the same with relationships. Not that she'd never had any. Before joining the army, she'd had a line of suitors, all from high society, like herself, impeccably dressed and extremely polite. She'd even been engaged to a man, Garrett Fairfield, but it never eventuated. She wasn't regretful for it. It had been nice, certainly, having someone to wait on her, to care about her and treat her kindly. But ultimately, Maura thought the entire fuss about romance was rather 'overrated'. If that was what love was, it wasn't worth it.

But why was she even thinking about love?

Maura shook her head, reaching for the phone in front of her. Ignoring her thoughts, she swiped at the screen, bringing up the number again and calling. As she listened to the sound of the phone ringing, she wondered what she was going to say, if Jane ever picked up. To her surprise, that question needed an answer sooner than she expected, when a familiar husky voice breathed down the line.

"Hi."

"Jane…" Maura wasn't sure what to say. "I didn't think you'd pick up."

There was a dry chuckle. "I didn't think I was either."

Silence. Then…

"What do you want, Maura?" The voice was flat, empty.

"To help."

"You actually wanna help?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"Why would you?"

_How do I answer that?_ Maura looked down at the table top in front of her, running her finger over the smooth surface. "Because you shouldn't have to suffer alone."

"What makes you think I'm alone?"

The words came out sharp, and Maura felt the nervousness that had coiled up in her stomach assert itself. Taking a deep breath, she lent herself over to the facts, like she always had. "Jane, you live alone. Your brothers are currently inaccessible to you. The few times I have met you and talked to you, you deflect anything that is even slightly personal pertaining to you, and you close yourself off when I try and reach you on any emotional level." She sighed and her voice softened. "I don't know you, Jane. Maybe you're not alone. But from what I can gather, you don't like to show others what you yourself perceive as weakness. Even when it's not."

There was silence down the line, and Maura briefly wondered if the woman on the other end had just put the phone down and walked away. Then there was a sigh.

"For someone who doesn't know me, you sure seem to be able to say a lot about me."

"It's just projection. Based off the little data I have and comparison. It follows the typical scientific method, there's nothing to say I'm right."

"So I'm your little experiment or somethin'?" The voice was hard again.

"What? No!" Maura's eyes widened. "No, Jane, I don't see you as an experiment! You're a person. And I just want to help."

"I don't want to be your pity project."

Maura's eyes closed again, as she let out a sigh, somewhere between hurt and frustration. "You're not my pity project either! Can't you accept that maybe a person just wants to help another person because he or she might respect that person, and care about that person, and wants to take the nightmares haunting them away?"

"You care about me?" Jane's voice was softer again, and the honey-blonde could hear the disbelief in her voice. "Like you said, you don't even know me."

"But I want to, Jane…" Maura felt absurd, having this conversation over the phone. Feeling like she needed to explain herself, she ran a hand through her hair, trying to find the words. "I… I feel… there's something about you. You intrigue me, Jane. Everything I've heard about you… you're this brave, heroic soldier, who faced things most people wouldn't even be able to imagine… and then from what I've learnt, you're also this amazing, caring sister and daughter… and you hide yourself away behind a veil of true honesty and modesty… You're deceptively complex."

There was a beat of silence afterwards, and then a soft sound, just an exhale of breath, but Maura thought it might've been laughter. "I think that's a compliment?"

"It is."

"… Then… thank you. But I'm not all that, Maura. You… you think I'm some… wonderful person, I'm not. I'm not this… this brilliant person like you make me sound, I'm–"

"Human."

Another breath. "I'm human."

"And so am I. Please, Jane. I want to help you. I… if you really don't want me to… I… I understand. But…"

"Y'know, even my Ma doesn't know about this."

Maura's eyebrows lifted, but she couldn't say she was surprised. "You didn't want to make her worry. She has enough on her plate."

Heavy sigh. "Yeah."

"You can't keep everything to yourself forever."

"I know."

Maura knew what would come next.

"And what kind of person would I be if I dragged someone I hardly know into this mess?"

"Ja–"

"I know you said you wanted to help, Maura. I don't know why. But then again, I guess I kinda do. You're selfless, and caring, and smart. And you make it your life to help others. But I'm a mess. I'm a giant, fucking mess, Maura. You saw the other night. I don't even know why you're still talking to me. Why you would want to associate with someone like me. I'm… I'm…"

"Shhh," Maura kept her voice soothing. The words Jane had just spoken hurt her in a way that was new to her. To think that a woman who had done so much though so little of herself… to push others away in an attempt to protect them, even when it only made herself bleed more… "Maybe you are a mess, Jane. But I'm a mess too."

"No you're not. You're so put together, with your outfits, and your house, and your job… You've got everything figured out, you–"

"Still wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, reliving the worst memories of my life, seeing the horrors behind my eyelids every time I close them. Still wake up at the slightest disturbances, hear the sounds of screaming men and women in my head every day. I can't look at an operating table anymore, because all I see are the broken bodies on them, waking up and crying in pain, even as I still operated on them."

The quiet that followed this hung in the air between them, stretching over the line that connected them to each other.

"That's horrible."

"I'm not perfect either. And I can't even imagine what you went through, Jane. What you're going through isn't a sign of your weakness. It's a sign that you're human. I would be more worried if a person could go into war and come out unaffected. There is no shame in being affected by the horrors you experienced over there. But how you choose to deal with it, is up to you. Don't punish yourself for being hurt. With help, you don't have to be haunted by those nightmares. I won't either. Please, Jane. Let's try. We can try and stop these memories from haunting us. Can we try?"

Silence.

"Yeah. Yeah we can try."

* * *

Baby steps.

Even after their agreement, Jane's acceptance of Maura's assistance, there was the giant question of where to start. It was still another three days before Maura finally saw the lieutenant in the flesh, meeting her in that bar they'd gone to what seemed like ages ago. Relativity really was a fascinating concept, but there were more important things to be thinking about instead of Einstein's theory.

The Dirty Robber was still the same though, which really should be expected. But it almost surprised Maura in its consistency when she felt so much had changed – the shift between her and Jane's… would it be a called a relationship? Well it wasn't inaccurate, she decided. It was still a _relationship_, just not… _that_ kind.

When she pushed the door open and entered the dimly lit bar, her eyes immediately sought out the woman who'd agreed to meet her there. And there she was, same as ever. Except for the haunted look in those eyes, which slipped away when she lifted them to meet Maura's. The mask was so good, so effective in keeping the truth of Jane's feelings and fears hidden. Maura wondered how long Jane must've taken to perfect it, how many secrets she kept from those she loved most to protect them.

"You don't have to do that." She slid into the seat across the booth from Jane.

"Do what?" Jane had turned to gesture at the bar for some drinks.

"Hide how you truly feel."

That got the brunette's attention. She turned to look at Maura, and it wasn't reassuring. Maura knew she had a tendency to be blunt, to say what she saw, because what was the point in keeping observations quiet? But, too late, she wondered if maybe she shouldn't have said it. Jane wasn't about to open up to her just like that.

"I'm not hiding anything." Jane had grit her teeth, and her eyes didn't meet Maura's. It was a straight out lie, but Maura let it go.

"I'm sorry."

This caught her companion off guard, and Jane looked at her in surprise, though her jaw didn't relax. Not completely. "For what?"

"I shouldn't just come out and expect you to be open with me. I should give you time to feel comfortable enough to talk to me yourself."

She could feel Jane's eyes on her, just staring at her. And then Jane shook her head, turning to accept the beer and wine from a waitress. As she slid the glass of red across, she snorted. "You're a real piece of work, aren't you?"

Maura frowned. "I don't understand."

Jane just shook her head, taking a swig from her bottle. "That brain of yours just never turns off, does it?"

"I should hope not. It's responsible for every single thing our body does," she replied matter-of-factly.

"Ever the literal, Dr Isles."

The honey-blonde frowned, slightly baffled by the comments Jane was throwing her. But she detected a hint of warmth in her voice, and took some comfort in that.

"Okay, how about we make a deal. You stop diagnosin' me every time you see me, because you're not my doctor. When we agreed to do this, I thought we were going to be on a kinda equal footing. Which means you don't get to try and figure me out, deal?"

Maura bit her lip. But then she nodded. What Jane said was true. She _wasn't_ the doctor, and she was in this to help Jane, not as a professional, but as a friend. "Fine."

"Fine?" Jane looked slightly amused. "You don't sound particularly happy with our agreement."

"You never said I had to be _happy_ about our agreement, just that we _had_ this agreement."

Jane finally chuckled, smiling that real smile that Maura loved to see. "Touché."

* * *

And from there it really began. Baby steps. Except every step was a struggle with Jane. It was clear that she wasn't going to give anything for free.

"Jane, there's nothing wrong with going to see a psychiatrist! It's the most common first step to finding your peace again!"

"I'm not seeing a shrink, Maura!"

In the doctor's opinion, Jane was being unnecessarily difficult. "Why not? Give me one valid reason for not seeing a psychiatrist! And you can't say you don't want to!"

At this point, they were glaring at each other, just like they had every time before. It was always the same. In fact, Maura was fairly sure she'd never met anyone more stubborn than the frustrating soldier. Except for herself of course. And she narrowed her eyes at Jane, challenging her silently.

Finally, Jane rolled her eyes and threw her hands up. "There'll be questions! Maura, I haven't told my Ma about this at all. She has no idea what happened, except for what the news have said. No one knows. If I suddenly start seeing a shrink, she'll want to know why!"

Maura let out a sigh. "This is what it's about?"

Jane just shrugged.

"Jane, your mother deserves to know. She'll want to help too."

"Eurgh, and that's part of the problem! She'll never rest, she'll worry herself sick and never leave me alone. I told you, she's a helicopter."

"You can't keep it to yourself forever. She'll find out eventually, and don't you think it'll hurt her that you don't trust her enough to tell her what's bothering you?" She looked at Jane. "Don't push the people you care about most away."

There must've been something in her face, or maybe it was in her voice. But as Maura turned away from Jane, she heard the other woman moving, and suddenly there was a soft touch to her shoulder. Turning in surprise, she found herself looking straight into those eyes that had caught her the first time they met, in the bleak desert landscape. And she couldn't help the sharp intake of breath at their proximity. Jane's hand had left her shoulder, just a brush of the fingertips, but Maura could still feel it. Those hands were still wrapped up in black fingerless gloves, hiding the reminders of a harder time.

Only Jane didn't know those scars meant something to Maura too.

"Maura… you told me a lot about yourself… but… I never… I never really heard much about your… well your family. Your parents? I mean, I can tell you come from upper class, I mean…" Jane tried to lighten the mood, "you're basically everything my mother would've wanted me to be! A lady." Finger reached out to brush Maura's arm as she continued. "I just… you can talk to me, if you need to. Alright?"

It was funny, how they'd started by arguing about helping Jane. The tables seemed to have turned now. "I…" Maura bit her lip, unsure of how to continue. Then she shrugged. "I was adopted. I know my parents cared for me, and they always ensured that I had the best of everything."

She could feel Jane watching her. "But…?"

She hesitated. "It's… it's nothing."

"No, c'mon Maura." Jane was trying to catch her eye. Her voice had taken on a pleading edge. "Look, you keep tellin' me I should open up and talk to people about whatever's bothering me. I can see it on your face. Talk to me?"

It was a question. A request, not a command. Maybe that's what made her talk. "I… I wasn't like other children. I was never warm. I just… I never had that sort of loving, warm relationship with my parents, like so many other children did. There was a lot of benign neglect. It's not that they didn't love me, it's just that I didn't ask for much." Maura took a deep breath, trying not to let any tears slip free. "I don't think I really knew how. And the less that I would ask for, the less time they would have for me."

"Oh, Maura…" Jane's voice was soft, and when she looked up, she could see that her words seemed to affect Jane. And then she looked down and away, embarrassed.

"I… I'm sorry. This shouldn't be about me, I've said too much, I–"

Maura's voice broke off when Jane reached out and took her hand. It surprised her, especially as she knew that Jane was incredibly self-conscious about her hands. And avoided contact whenever she could. Yet here she was, extending her own hands out willingly to hold Maura's. She could feel the warmth of Jane's touch even through the gloves.

"Don't be sorry you talked, Maura. Like you said, it's good to get it off your chest." Jane smiled, and her thumb absentmindedly rubbed across the back of Maura's hands. And Maura didn't want her to pull away. "And I'm sorry that you never had that… that kind of childhood. Though it's not all it's cut out to be," Jane joked. "If… if you ever need someone… huh, I'm really not in a position to be doin' this…" The brunette shook her head, but continued. "If you ever just want to… y'know… blow off some steam. Talk to someone, or anythin'… well… I'd be honoured if you'd come to me." She took another deep breath, before mumbling, "And fine, I'll go to the psychiatrist."

Maura was simultaneously surprised, relieved and touched by Jane's words. "Thank you, Jane. And… I'm glad you're agreeing to go see a psychiatrist. But if… if… maybe you just…" For some reason the words stuck in her throat, but she pushed them out. "If you wanted to talk to someone too, that… that wasn't a psychiatrist… maybe just a… a friend. I'd… I'd be happy to listen."

Jane was looking at their hands between them. "That sounds good." She lifted her head to smile at the doctor. Then it disappeared. "I… I can't say I will though… at least… not yet… I-I don't like to talk about my problems. Though you already figured that out, didn't you, doctor?"

"I did."

"Yeah."

"I can wait. And… when you're comfortable enough… if you ever feel comfortable enough… I'll be ready to listen."

"… Thank you."


	7. Staying Silent

_**A/N:**__ First of all: I AM SO SORRY. I KNOW I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN TWO WEEKS, AND THAT WAS NOT MY INTENTION BUT UNI DECIDED THAT IT'D THROW ME IN THE DEEP END BEFORE WE EVEN PROPERLY GOT STARTED. Combine that with my sucky 5 day weeks and 3 hours of travelling... biggest waste of time EURGH. I am so sorry for the wait guys, but I can't promise updates to be much faster than this. I'm trying though!_ _If it helps, each chapter seems to be getting longer... I guess when I start, I can't stop until my eyes are gluing themselves shut in an attempt for me to sleep._

_Secondly: Thank you again to all the people who have reviewed/followed/favourited this story. It means so much to me that you guys ARE following this story and enjoying it as much as I am writing it. I can't thank you guys enough, it reminds me to work faster and harder to get my uni work done so I can put time aside for this story. Thank you! I love you all._

_Lastly: Hope you guys enjoy this new update. I hope it lives up to expectations, and I'd love to hear from you if you liked it, or why you didn't. Please, enjoy! :D_

* * *

Sometimes it felt like they were making progress, and sometimes it was like they'd gone back to square one.

Jane had begun her sessions with a renowned psychiatrist, a Dr Forster, who specialised in helping war veterans. On the day of the first session, Maura had asked if Jane might want company. It wasn't a surprise when Jane requested that she did this alone, but it still stung, just a little. Maura knew she had no right to feel so hurt when the ex-soldier had asked to do it on her own. It was just an integral part of Jane's character; the independence.

Since then, another three weeks had passed, as they entered the last month of summer. True to her word, Jane had maintained a silence regarding her sessions with Dr Forster. Maura didn't push her for reports, knowing that it would get her nowhere. But she couldn't help feeling as though she was being pushed out, even though it was a ridiculous notion. Jane had no obligation towards Maura, and yet she could feel the wall that would come up every time they edged towards the issue. Jane still maintained that aura of distance around her, as if getting too close was dangerous.

And that was one of the true oddities, Maura realised. She recognised Jane's behaviour. It was the same as her own, whenever she interacted with anyone. The years of emotional isolation had caused her to develop an invisible barrier that people couldn't break through, allowing her to keep her own space. Even now, working as a medical examiner, she maintained a purely professional image towards her colleagues, her manner cool, calm and collected. Already, she'd heard the whispers surrounding the precinct, regarding her and her cold ways. "Queen of the Dead" was just the latest of many names she'd held over the years for her aloofness. But now, somehow, Jane had simply walked through every defence Maura had set up, as if they weren't there. She'd never talked to someone, _really_ talked to someone, like she did with Jane. She'd never wanted to close the distance between her and another person. Not like this.

They did meet up though, usually at least once a week, and gradually, more. Whether it was on a Friday night for drinks, or a Sunday morning for breakfast, or maybe a Tuesday lunch, Maura almost wondered if she could call what she and Jane had a _friendship_. This was what friends did, wasn't it? Spend time together, talk about each other's lives. Jane might not talk about what she was going through now, but the brunette _had_ opened up more about her past, her family and her childhood. Sometimes Maura could see flashes of deeper emotions, real happiness, deep nostalgia, gentle wistfulness in those dark eyes when she shared some story about the "Rizzoli clan". And the doctor saw little snapshots of a young girl with wild messy hair, rips in her jeans and mud on her cheek, tackling one of her brothers to the ground, shooting hoops with the other, squirming whenever her mother tried to wipe her face, cheering as she sat atop her father's shoulders. Fiercely protective, and fiercely loyal, she saw the a teenage girl taking on the high school bullies, shielding her brothers from harm, standing up for the bullied. Rough and tumble Jane Rizzoli, a troublemaker and peacemaker at the same time.

In contrast, her own stories seemed boring and plain, yet Jane seemed fascinated hearing about her past. The soldier asked her questions about what it was like, going to a boarding school in France, travelling the world, going to college…

_"You didn't go to college?"_

_Jane shook her head. "Nah. I'm the daughter of a plumber. College is for smart people, people like you." She smiled, shrugging it off. "But I guess… sometimes I wonder what it might've been like… y'know. Having that experience."_

They'd had that conversation three weeks ago. But it wasn't until last night that Jane had revealed the true story behind why she'd never gone to college. It had come up unexpectedly, after Maura had been talking about one of her latest cases, involving a shooting at BCU. It had affected her more than she liked to admit, being at her old alma mater and involving the body of a young girl, who had turned to desperate means to pay off her college debt. When Jane had first asked her about her cases, Maura had been reluctant to talk about them, thinking they were too dark; reminders of the depravity of human kind. But rather than being put off, Jane had been genuinely interested in each one. In fact, that was how she had divulged her wish to become a cop when she was younger.

_"It really was horrible to think anyone had to turn to such measures to stay in college."_

_"I guess she just didn't want to let her dad down."_

_"Even so, I'm sure he would have understood. No parent would ever want to their child to do those things for money. Or… or maybe there could've been some other way." Maura's voice faded away. She had never taken money for granted, but she understood that even so, there was no way for her to truly appreciate what it might be like to have to struggle when it came to financial situations._

_Jane shrugged. "Maybe she didn't think she had any other options." Her face looked sad, as she looked down at the table. "That poor girl… it's true though… no one should have to do that. And her poor father, what he must be going through…" The dark haired woman shook her head. "What about her friend? Is she okay?"_

_Maura nodded, glad that she could impart some good news. "She had her fees paid in full, thanks to a bit of tweaking done from within the police department. She was just released from the hospital, and she's in recovery now. She'll be returning to normal college life within the month."_

_She could feel the other woman's eyes on her. "Y'know, you saved that girl's life."_

_Maura tried to hide the shudder that went through her body. The fear she had felt when she had to work on a living body again was surprising. It was only for an instant, before the medical officer resurfaced, but she had felt a thrill of terror, and the image of some young soldier clad in khakis and bleeding flashed before her eyes. "I was scared."_

_Jane seemed to understand. A silence fell between them, and Maura sat back, taking a sip of her wine. Then…_

_"I applied for BCU."_

_Maura paused, looking over at Jane. "It's very hard to get into."_

_"I got in." Jane glanced up at her, a small smile on her face before she took another sip from her beer._

_She looked at the ex-soldier, a look of half-surprise, half-confusion on her face. "Why didn't you go?"_

_Jane shrugged. "Like I said, I wanted to be a cop or go into the army."_

_This time, Maura looked at her carefully. She lifted her eyebrows and caught Jane's eye. "What's the real reason?"_

_"My father would've spent everything to send me there, and I couldn't do that to him."_

_Maura's eyes softened and it felt as if something inside of her had twisted – an odd but not unwelcome feeling. "Did you ever tell him?"_

_"No," Jane said lightly. "Didn't want to make him too sad."_

_Maura wasn't sure what to say to that. She ran her finger around the rim of her wine glass, smiling. She felt an odd mixture of sadness for Jane, knowing that she had given up something she had wanted so much, regardless of what she might've said, and awe, that Jane could so easily brush off her acceptance to such an esteemed college for her family's sake. She found herself wanting to reach across the table and touch Jane's hands, cover them with her own. It was such a strong impulse that the blonde found herself gripping the glass in her hands tighter._

_"That's…"_

_Jane looked up, her eyes finding Maura's, and there was a look in them that only made Maura's soft smile widen. "What?"_

_"That's… I think that's really sweet."_

_"Oh, gross, okay, I need another beer."_

It was moments like those when Maura felt like they were getting closer. That Jane was trying. Being more open, more comfortable, happier. Maura took comfort in this, hoping they were signs that showed Jane was finding herself again. Escaping the darkness that lurked from the horrors of war.

* * *

It was a Friday afternoon. Maura tidied her desk, filing away her last autopsy report and stacking the various files she'd consulted into a neat pile on the edge of her desk. A clear desk was the sign of a clear mind, she remembered her mother telling her, or something along those lines. She supposed there was some truth in that, only insofar as organisation was necessary for clarity. Whether there was a direct link between the environment and the human mind had yet to be proven.

Standing up, Maura glanced over her desk once more, making sure everything was set just the way she wanted it to be, before picking up her hand bag and heading towards the lift.

Exiting the precinct, she let out a sigh. It was still warm, and she could feel the heat radiating off the pavement, but the worst of it was over now as the sun slowly sank below the skyline. Tilting her head, she wondered if she should give Jane a call. She found that when her mind wasn't preoccupied with work, it was being dominated with thoughts of Jane.

After fiddling with her phone for a moment, she found her fingers moving in that familiar fashion to bring the name and number up. She smiled at the image on the screen, a photo of Jane, the ghost of a smile on her face. It had been taken the same night Jane had revealed that she hadn't gone to college. The lanky brunette had whinged the whole time about it, having her photo taken. She seemed genuinely uncomfortable about it, so much so that Maura had finally given up. Then next thing she knew, Jane had rolled her eyes, grumbling, stole her phone from her grasp and snapped a quick photo of herself. It had happened so quickly Maura didn't even register what had happened until the phone was back in her hand. She remembered looking extremely confused, until Jane huffed and gestured towards the phone. _"There's a photo of me, happy?"_ At those words, Maura had smiled, looking down at the image that matched the name. _I don't know why you were so averse to having your photo taken, Jane. You're really quite photogenic."_ Jane had rolled her eyes again at that, turning away slightly in what Maura perceived as embarrassment. But the brunette couldn't keep the smile off her face.

Absentmindedly, Maura touched the photo with her fingertips. Then she frowned at her own actions. Letting out another sigh, she pressed the call button, and brought the phone to her ear. The dull tone repeated itself, as she made her way to her car. When it redirected to voicemail, Maura hung up. It wasn't unusual for Jane not to pick up the phone. Shrugging the faint disappointment off, the medical examiner started her car, and made for home.

It was still light when she reached her house, pulling up in the driveway. She had the day off tomorrow, and with all her paperwork done, Maura decided she might try her hand at cooking tonight. She couldn't remember the last time she'd really tried to cook something. She didn't do it often, because it was usually more fuss than it was worth. After all, she was only cooking for the one person. It was a lonely thought, but she pushed that away too. She was used to being alone.

Changing into a pair of yoga pants and a comfortable off-the-shoulder blouse, Maura walked barefoot into the kitchen. Before anything else, she rooted through her fridge, searching for the cactus leaves and British strawberries she'd kept, just for Bass. Finding the produce, Maura turned to see her pet tortoise settled placidly in the corner he had always occupied before she'd flown out to join the ranks of patriots in another country. The process of getting Bass back had taken more time than she would have liked, going through paperwork for renewing her license for owning such a pet, and then finding a time for Bass's caretaker who had, during the time Maura was away, relocated to Seattle, to bring him home again.

Patting Bass's shell, she murmured a greeting before setting the leaves in front of him. He seemed unimpressed with the meal, until Maura held a strawberry out. The tortoise promptly stuck his head out and took a bite.

Two hours later, the kitchen was filled with the smell of ravioli and the sound of soft music. In all honesty, while Maura was adept in a kitchen, she had always been familiar with French foods, rather than Italian. In fact, she'd never cooked an Italian dish from scratch. But tonight, she felt a little more adventurous, pulling out a recipe for the iconic dish. As she waited for the sauce to simmer, she found her phone again. It wouldn't hurt to try.

When she was met with Jane's recorded voice again, she tried not to let her disappointment show, even though there was no one to watch her, save Bass. When she plated up her meal, she took a glass of merlot with her, sitting down at the empty dining table.

The emptiness had never really bothered Maura before. It never really troubled her, that the image might look slightly sad. A woman, living in a big house with money and status, sitting at the table and dining alone. No voices filled the hallways other than her own. No footsteps from another pair of feet. Maybe it _was_ lonely, but Maura had learnt to live with it.

But now it struck her. The quiet. The emptiness. The loneliness. And Maura realised that maybe she didn't want to spend the rest of her life like this. For a moment she closed her eyes, and imagined that Jane was there. Complimenting her on her cooking, asking her about her day, telling her about the latest Red Sox game, which Maura had no interest in whatsoever but loved to hear about, simply because Jane seemed so enthusiastic about it. She opened her eyes, stunned by the emotion this simple image seemed to stir up. The warmth, the joy, the comfort she felt with the thought of Jane being near… it was new. Never had she felt so… happy over the thought of being with someone. Never had she felt so sad that they weren't there.

Never had she wanted something so much before.

She'd known she was intrigued by the mysterious lieutenant. She'd known she was attracted to the beautiful brunette. Neither of these points had surprised her. Not even the fact that it was, in fact, a woman she was attracted to. Sexuality had always been fluid in her opinion. But she hadn't realised that maybe it was becoming more than that. And she couldn't help wondering where they might be now, if Jane hadn't turned her down.

* * *

When Saturday morning dawned bright and early, Maura was already up. As her old habits had returned in their full capacity, she had resumed her early morning runs. It had always left her feeling refreshed and energised for the new day. She used to participate in the Boston Marathon, and looked forward to doing it again next year. But she had to make sure she maintained the fitness that she had painstakingly built up. It was one of the very few perks of being an ex-officer of the army.

By the time she returned, the sun was up. Pulling off her sweaty running t-shirt and shorts, she carefully laid them on the edge of her bathtub, before pulling the hair tie holding her hair back in a ponytail out, and stepping into the shower. The warm water felt like spring rain, running over her skin and down her back. Hazel eyes closed as she enjoyed the feeling. When she opened them again, she thought ahead to today's plans. She hadn't seen Jane since Monday morning, when they briefly met up for breakfast, before Maura was pulled away to work. But they had planned to meet up and have lunch today. She couldn't deny the excitement she felt at seeing Jane's face again.

Turning the shower off, she quickly dried off and wrapped the towel around her body, stepping out into her bedroom. Deciding it was still far too early to get dressed up, she donned a pair of silky pyjama pants, and a simple red blouse. One didn't have to forgo style for comfort.

As Maura was preparing an organic muesli and yoghurt combination, she was startled by the sound of her phone buzzing. A message. Putting her spoon down, the doctor reached for the device, swiping at the screen to pull up a message from Jane. After reading it, she felt her happiness from earlier slowly dissipate.

**Hey Maura, I'm really sorry I can't make it today. I'm really, really sorry. We can meet up some other time? – J**

Swallowing her own disappointment, she thumbed back a response.

**That's fine, Jane. Let me know when you're free. – M**

The response was fast.

**Shouldn't you be the one calling the shots, Dr Isles? I think between the two of us, you've got the busier schedule :) – J**

The smiley face made Maura smile, despite herself.

**Well unless I get called in for a case, I don't have anything happening until Monday. – M**

There was a pause, and Maura didn't think Jane would respond, then a sudden buzz cut through the air.

**We'll see what happens. – J**

Letting out a sigh, Maura put the phone down, and turned back to her muesli, though she'd lost her appetite. Poking at the yoghurt, she spooned a mouthful in. Trying to shrug off her feelings was like trying to push a table through a wall. It wasn't working. She couldn't deny the dejection she felt. Taking a deep breath, she decided that the best thing to do was to distract herself. It was time for her to do some grocery shopping anyway.

* * *

Maura walked into Whole Foods, pushing a trolley along as she began to browse through the fresh fruit and vegetables they had for sale. Grocery shopping had always been quite calming for Maura. Maybe it was odd, but she liked the simplicity of it, the easy organised manner in which such a task could be carried out. Glancing at the list she'd written herself of the absolute necessities she was missing, she turned a corner.

And stopped.

Because there was Jane, running a hand through her long unruly hair, looking over boxes of cereal. She was frowning at the rows of organic cereal in front of her, mouth turned down in a scowl.

"Jane?"

The brunette almost jumped, spinning around immediately to see who it was, while she hid her right hand a minute too late behind her back. Maura had seen it.

"Jane! What happened to your wrist?"

"Hey, Maura…" Jane chuckled a little nervously, and the doctor narrowed her eyes. She could see the discomfort on Jane's face, the barely concealed panic in those dark eyes. "Fancy seeing you here!"

The obvious avoidance didn't go unmissed as Maura frowned back at her friend. "Jane."

The ex-soldier seemed to realise she wasn't going to get out of this, instead folding her arms and frowning back at her. "Maura."

In the back of her head, she idly wondered what someone would think if they saw two grown women staring each other down in a shopping aisle. But a larger part of her was worrying over the injury Jane had somehow sustained. As her brain moved ahead, she began to theorise and hypothesise. It wasn't helping.

"Jane, how did you hurt your hand?" When there was no answer, she let out a sigh, slowly making her way closer to the taller woman. She was glad she didn't move away. "Can I at least see it properly?"

Reluctant, Jane extended her arm, showing Maura the bandage. "Is it a fractured wrist?"

"Yes."

She reached out and gently touched the cast. "And how did you get it?" When there was no answer, Maura raised her eyes to look at Jane, and saw her pretending to be distracted by a box of wholegrain cereal. "Jane?" She straightened up and tried to catch the other woman's eyes. "What happened?"

"Look, it's not a big deal, alright, Maura?" Jane's voice come out as a snap, as she snatched her arm back.

"You hurt it." Realisation dawned on Maura. She hadn't been sure, hadn't wanted to guess, but the way Jane acted was confirmation enough for her theory. Her voice was quiet, gentle when she spoke again. "You had another attack."

Jane's left hand had curled into a fist, her jaw clenched tightly. But she gave no response, staring resolutely at the shelf.

"How many have you had, Jane?"

The look the soldier shot her was filled with fury, anger, frustration. But there must have been something on Maura's face, because it softened a little. And then those brown eyes lowered, unable to maintain eye contact. Ashamed.

"It's not something you should feel ashamed of."

"Why am I not getting better?!" The words exploded from the brunette's mouth, yet they were almost whispered, hissed through clenched teeth. "Wasn't this the whole point? So I'd stop? What's wrong with me?" There was a hopelessness in those eyes now, downcast.

"It takes time, Jane. It's barely been a month, you can't push yourself so hard. How have your sessions been, with Dr Forster?"

Jane immediately clammed up again. "Fine."

Maura shook her head, sighing. "I can't force you to talk to me, but I wish you would. How many attacks have you had, Jane?" Her hand reached out again, to touch Jane's arm. "Jane? Please tell me. I need to know." Still nothing. Biting her lip, she tried to prompt Jane. "More than three?" Silence. Then a single, tiny nod. "Four?" Nothing. "Five? Six? Seven?" When there was finally a nod, Maura felt a kind of horror take hold of her heart. Seven times. _Seven_. It was a wonder Jane hadn't hurt herself until now. "And you never told me?" The absurd feeling of hurt and worry warred inside the blonde.

"What am I s'posed to say, Maura? 'Oh hey, last night I just kinda flipped out again a bit, but I'm fine now, let's go get something to eat.'? I already told you, this isn't your problem! I shouldn't drag you into it!" Jane looked furious with herself, but whether it was because of her admitting the problem to Maura, or the problem itself, the doctor couldn't say.

"Jane, you could have hurt yourself! You did hurt yourself! If you didn't say anything, we'd never know, and what if something worse happened? What if it was much more serious? Thank goodness it was only a fractured wrist!" Maura's mind didn't seemed to be able to stop coming up with the potential injuries Jane might've had that were much worse than a hurt wrist. "Jane…"

The sound of footsteps behind her caused her to spin around. To see an old lady pushing a trolley slowly down the aisle, looking at packets of organic oats. Remembering that they were, in fact, in the middle of an aisle at Whole Foods, Maura realised that there were better places to be having this discussion. Giving the old woman a smile, she turned back to Jane and gently took her arm, tugging her along.

"Wha– Maura, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" Jane looked more shocked than anything else as the blonde continued to pull her towards the end.

"We shouldn't be talking about this in the cereal aisle of Whole Foods." She let go of Jane's arm and began to wheel her trolley down the next aisle, looking at the various products on the shelves.

"Oh, and I suppose this is much better, the vitamin supplement aisle!"

"No," Maura said over her shoulder, completely missing the sarcasm in the other woman's voice. "Why would that be any better?"

She heard a sigh from behind her. "What are you doing?"

"Shopping."

"Are you serious?"

"What?" Maura wheeled around to look at Jane. "I'm here, I might as well buy what I intended to. You're not in a rush to go anywhere are you?"

"What if I said I was?"

"You'd be lying."

"Hey, you don't know that!"

"Really, Jane, after analysing everything you have said and done since I saw you in the cereal aisle, it is clear that you didn't have anywhere particularly important to be."

"Eurgh." Jane's face was dark, but she grudgingly followed Maura through the aisles.

After putting a tub of all natural Greek yoghurt into the trolley, Maura turned to look at Jane again. "Aren't you going to buy anything?"

"God, no." Jane pulled a face. "This place is full of all that… natural… goody-goody stuff… eurgh. It's all organic or whatever."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing! It just tastes…"

Maura tried not to laugh at the face Jane pulled. Then she frowned. "Then why were you here in the first place?"

She watched Jane blow the air out from her cheeks, running a hand through her hair again. Finally she lifted her eyes to meet Maura's hazel ones. "I was at Mass Gen, getting this looked at."

Maura felt a tiny pang that Jane hadn't come to her for help. But of course Jane wouldn't. It was clear she'd had no intention of letting anyone know about her injury. Pushing the thought aside, Maura turned back to look at the cartons of eggs. "There's nothing wrong with eating healthy organic foods. It's much better than those Lucky Charms you seem to have such a habit of eating."

"_How_ do _you_ know I eat Lucky Charms?"

"There was dry cereal and marshmallow bits on your car seat last week."

"Oh my god," Jane groaned, but when Maura turned to look at her, she saw the brunette was trying not to laugh. Failing that, she let out a snort, shaking her head and dumping a carton of eggs into Maura's trolley.

* * *

The light mood seemed to evaporate when Maura stepped out of her car in front of Jane's apartment. Like the heavy weight that had disappeared for the duration of their little shopping trip just suddenly dropped back down, crushing them. Jane was already at the top of the stairs, and she could see the firm line of her mouth. The set of her shoulders.

The walk up to Jane's floor was silent. Maura couldn't help noting that she hadn't been to Jane's place since that night. But the coming talk was inevitable, and Maura thought that maybe having it somewhere Jane felt more comfortable with would make it easier.

When she stepped through the door, she noted that the wreckage from all those weeks ago had been cleaned away. The table hadn't been replaced, an empty space in front of the couch where it used to be. She also noted that breakables, glass and pottery, had mostly been cleared away. Only photo frames adorned the furniture, and there were only three. One of what must be Jane's family; a tall man standing with his arm around a smiling woman. Three children stood in front of them, two young boys – one light haired, one dark haired – a tall skinny girl that could only be Jane. Another photo, of the three Rizzoli kids, now older, all up in a tree. And the last one on of Jane and the dark haired brother, Frankie, both in uniform. Soldiers.

When the door clicked shut, she turned around to face Jane. And took a deep breath. "There's no point beating about the tree–"

"Bush."

"Excuse me?"

"No point beating about the _bush_, Maura. That's how the saying goes."

"Oh." Maura rolled her shoulders, giving the brunette an affronted look. But Jane wasn't paying her much attention, sitting down on the couch and glaring ahead at the blank TV screen, whole body taut. "Well, _bush_ then. Jane, you can't continue to live alone."

"What?! Why not?!"

"It's dangerous! You need someone to be on hand when you have another attack! Someone who can be there and help calm you quickly so you won't hurt yourself! It will help you stop the attacks from happening too. If you had a professional nearby, they could assist you in finding out what's triggering the attacks and stopping them from happening. Teach you how to deal with the attacks and put them off yourself."

Jane leapt up from her spot on the couch, eyes blazing. "I'm not gonna be institutionalised, Maura!"

"I'm not saying that!"

"Oh really? Then what exactly are you saying? Look, I don't care, I can deal with it, alright? I'm not gonna go someplace and get watched 24/7! Ma doesn't even know why I'm going to the psych, what the hell do you think she'll say if I was suddenly shipped off to some mental asylum?!"

"Jan–"

"I said NO, Maura!"

"No one said you had to go to any kind of institution!" Maura tried not to sound frustrated. She had expected this response. But it was imperative that Jane living on her own wasn't an option. "There are other options! You could get a carer or–"

"NO. I'm not going to let someone… _babysit_ me! And ya think I'd just let some complete stranger come in and start looking after me or something? I am NOT going to be watched around the clock by some random person, alright?"

Maura sighed, rubbing her forehead. She could feel a mild headache coming on behind her left temple. She recognised it as a sign of stress and worry. Biting her lip, she considered it once more. If Jane wasn't particularly open to the other ideas… "What if you came to stay with me for a while?"

"Excuse me?"

That utterance, instead of the straight up 'what' Jane so regularly used, was enough to tell Maura that she had well and truly caught the lieutenant off guard.

"Well, I am a professional, but I'm not a complete stranger. I have some understanding of you already, and I want to help. My place is large, and I even have a guest house that you can use. So you'll have plenty of privacy when you want it, but I won't be so far away. And you won't have to pay for my companionship either."

"Wha– are you crazy, Maura?!" Jane was staring at her, a look of absolute incredulity on her face. "Do you _know_ what you're saying?"

"Yes." Maura frowned. "I think it's a very practical solution, if you really thought about. Continuing to live alone isn't an option. There would be too many risks in that, and you might seriously hurt yourself, or someone else." The thought of her hurting someone else seemed to affect Jane strongly, more so than any other point Maura had made so far. "It wouldn't be your fault, Jane, but it's a possibility. It will help, Jane, I did some research. There are a lot of benefits having someone to help you like this."

Some of the tension in the air seemed to deflate. Jane sighed, sitting back down on the couch. "Maura… you don't understand… I don't… I don't _want_ people to see me when I'm… when I… go there. When I lose it. I…"

"Jane." Maura sat down on the couch next to the taller woman, but deliberately left some space there. Understanding that she needed to let Jane reach out to her. Let Jane come to her. Pushing too hard would only end in disaster. It had to be on Jane's terms. "I've told you time and time again. It's not a weakness." Her voice grew softer. "And I've already seen you." Jane seemed to recoil at those words. "I'm not scared of you."

That's when the dam finally broke. Jane didn't burst into tears, or anything close to dramatic. The tears just streamed down her cheeks silently as she stared down at the ground in front of her. Taking a shuddering breath, she whispered. "You should be."

"Why? Because you're hurting? Because you're haunted by horrors no person should ever have to experience in their life? I couldn't be scared of you, Jane. Not when you're one of the most selfless and compassionate people I know."

"I'm a monster."

"You're not. You're human."

"What's the difference?"

Maura reached out tentatively, brushing Jane's fingers. "Humans feel. Humans care." She looked into dark brown eyes. "You care."


	8. Making Progress

_**A/N:**__ Hey guys! I'm so sorry for the huge delay in updates! I rewrote this chapter three times before I was satisfied with it, and then I didn't have time in the last week to actually post it, because I basically has 7am-12am days out of the house! I can't promise this won't happen again, but I CAN promise that I will do my best to try make up for the huge break by posting as much as I can over this one week reprieve from uni. I still have work, but at least I don't have to travel all day and stuff._

_I just really wanted to say, THANK YOU AGAIN to everyone who is following this story. The feeling I get every time another email appears saying someone found the story worthy enough to follow or favourite... it's amazing. Thank you all so much. I hope you enjoy this next step!_

* * *

It took about a week for the move to finally happen. And more than once, Jane had tried to come up with ways to get out of the move, though each attempt seemed more half-hearted than the last.

It was Friday night, the eve of Jane's move to Maura's guest house, when Maura finally met the matriarch of the Rizzoli clan. It had been very unexpected, but not unpleasant. Not unpleasant at all.

"Oh, is this the doctor you were telling me about?" A loud unfamiliar voice floated through the wooden door, reaching Maura as she waited for Jane, or _someone_, to open the door.

It flew open, and an older woman appeared in the doorway, smiling at the blonde. Maura instantly recognised her from the photo she'd seen on Jane's shelf. The face was more lined now, older looking, but the smile hadn't changed, nor had the motherly aura that came off Angela Rizzoli in waves.

"You must be Dr Maura Isles! Jane had told me so much about you!" Angela put a hand out to shake her hand.

"Ma!" Jane's voice came from the right, and Maura turned her head to see the brunette standing by the kitchen counter, rolling her eyes.

"What? I'm glad you're talking to me at all!" She turned back to the doctor, and smiled apologetically. "I know you've been helping my daughter out so much. I'm glad she has someone else looking out for her, and that she's letting them." The older woman sighed. "Oh, I'm Angela by the way. Angela Rizzoli."

"Well it's a pleasure to finally meet you, Mrs Rizzoli."

"Oh please, just call me Angela."

"Angela." Maura smiled. This woman had a warmth about her, an openness that made Maura feel at ease.

"Sorry, I should have warned you about Ma before you came over," Jane called from the kitchen. "Have you eaten?"

"Oh, it's fine! And I haven't actually."

"Oh, you have to try some of my gnocchi, Dr Isles!" Angela swooped in, gently guiding Maura over to the counter that served as the dinner table as well while ignoring her protests of not wanting to intrude. She then proceeded to shoo Jane out of the kitchen area, and started plating up two servings of gnocchi. It really did smell amazing.

"Dr Isles, the least I could do for you is give you some of my home-made cooking. It might not be what you're accustomed to eating, but I've never had anyone complain about my recipe before. I heard from Jane that she'll actually be moving in with you for a while, so you can help her with dealing with some of the… problems she's having." At this point, Angela frowned, looking at her daughter. Maura understood that Jane was still keeping the worst of the news away from her mother.

"Please, call me Maura." She nodded at the plate in front of her. "And thank you. It smells absolutely amazing. Really, it's no problem at all! Jane has helped me as well, and I'm happy to help a friend out when she needs it." She took a bite of the hot pasta, and her eyes widened. It was absolutely mouth-watering. "This is delicious!"

The old woman beamed at this. "I'm so glad you think so! And I'm so glad that you are friends with my daughter." She turned to look at Jane, and Maura was amused to see how Angela could make the tall, lanky, ex-soldier beside her look like a seven year old child again. "You could take a leaf out of her book. So polite, and well-dressed too! If everything you said is true, she'd be a saint!"

"Wha– okay, stop, Ma!" Jane had turned red, and Maura was fascinated. She couldn't quite chase away the thought of how adorable a blushing Jane looked. The lieutenant was scowling at her mother, ducking her head in embarrassment.

"Oh, Jane, I'm very flattered!" Maura smiled. Inside, her heart was beating faster than it should, and she couldn't help the warmth that flooded her as she wondered exactly what Jane had been saying to Angela about her.

"No." A finger was jabbed in her direction. "You don't get to find this funny."

Maura laughed, unable to help it. Angela was chuckling too, obviously taking some delight in watching her daughter's plight. She gave Maura a conspiratorial wink. "Oh, Jane, relax. It's not like I'm telling Dr Isles what you said about her."

The blonde perked up at this. "Please, it's Maura. And if I may ask, what did Jane say about me?"

"Uh uh. No. Ma." Jane was pointing at the grinning woman standing next to her now. "Don't you say a word." Turning to Maura, she continued, "And it's none of your business."

Maura lifted an eyebrow. "On the contrary, I think it _is_ my business, seeing as it's about me."

"Oh, Jane told me about plenty about you." Angela smiled, turning to look at Maura again. "You have quite an impressive title – Chief Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, wasn't it?"

"Yes. I was recently given the job after returning from the army."

"Of course! You were an army surgeon too. I'm sure you saved many lives over there." Angela's voice had softened somewhat, and she seemed to understand that Maura wouldn't want to go into it. "Jane's told me about what a kind, compassionate person you are." Maura noticed Jane huffing and mumbling about needing to get something from the bedroom before leaving them to themselves. She tried to hide the delight she felt at Jane telling her mother that Maura was kind and compassionate. The matriarch glanced over her shoulder to see her daughter's retreating back. Turning back, she continued. "And I know it must be true. When Jane came back… she was so closed off. Jane's always been a tough child, never letting anyone know when she was hurt or upset. But she was even more so after coming back." Angela looked tired. "I don't even know what actually went on over there, or what has happened since. And I know she won't tell me." She seemed to read something on Maura's face, and held a hand up to forestall any interruptions. "I'm not asking you to tell me. I just want to thank you. Since meeting you, Jane has changed. I almost see flashes of my old Janie." There was a single tear in the old woman's eyes, and she hastily wiped it away. "When I heard my baby girl was critically injured… And when she came back, she didn't talk, she wouldn't say anything. She didn't go to the psych either. She didn't do anything. And then four weeks ago, my Janie turns up on my doorstep, and we talk. And she talked about you, Maura. That's all she really talked about. You've really been helping her. Spending time with her and talking to her. Maybe you don't even realise just how much you're helping her." Angela tilted her head, her gaze on Maura's face, scrutinising. Maura bit her lip, trying to keep the feelings inside of her from showing. Angela continued. "I don't know why you are helping my daughter so much. But I want you to know that I'm so grateful for it. I don't know exactly what it is that's bothering Janie, but I know it's from the war. And I know you can help her, because you were there yourself. You'd understand better than any of us. Thank you for helping Jane. Thank you."

Maura was almost taken aback by the heartfelt words of this woman she'd barely known for more than an hour. But much as she had felt an instant attraction and connection with Jane, she felt an immediate sense of warmth and comfort when she was with this woman. "There's no reason to thank me, Angela. I really am happy to help Jane. She… she's my friend." For some reason, that utterance held a weight to it for Maura. Like she was admitting it for the first time. "I… I've never had a friend like her before." _I've never had a friend before_. "I hope we can grow closer, and I hope I can give any support Jane might think she needs. We've been helping each other."

Angela smiled, and it reached her eyes. Maura couldn't help trusting this woman. "Then I'm happy for both of you."

At that moment, there was a thump, and a curse. Both women looked up to see Jane standing in the doorway of her bedroom, hopping on one foot and muttering what Maura felt sure was a string of obscenities. Angela began to make her way over to her daughter. "What did you do?"

"I'm fine, Ma. Just stubbed my toe." Jane waved her mother away, earning an eye roll from Angela, and Maura saw where Jane had picked the gesture up. "Hey, Maura, are we moving the boxes now or…?"

"Oh!" Maura quickly stood up. "Yes, I thought I'd help you move across some of your boxes." Looking around the apartment though, she could see there weren't many. For some reason, that seemed to be just like Jane. She walked over to one of the boxes and made to pick it up, but was promptly stopped by the brunette.

"Hey, it's fine, I can take the boxes down. Some of them are kinda heavy." She looked Maura in the eye. "And I know the weight won't bother you that much, but I just don't want you to bust your ankle with those heels on."

Maura looked down, realising she was wearing rather high heels tonight. She was mollified. People often looked at her and were surprised by her strength, simply because she appeared so feminine. But Jane hadn't made that same mistake, assuming Maura to be just a weak woman, unable to hold her weight. It was genuine concern, and it made Maura feel oddly light inside. But she still wanted to help, opting for a smaller box.

It took two trips to move the boxes down and put them in the back of Jane's car. It was a 1975 Chevrolet Impala, making it older than Jane or Maura. But it looked sleek, the black coat shining under the light of the street lamp. When Maura had first seen the car, she had been extremely impressed. And rather… fascinated… by the thought of Jane driving it in her leather jacket. The car seemed to suit Jane; sleek, attractive, yet understated. Despite its obvious make, it didn't draw attention to itself.

When it was done, the three women stood together in the pool of light on the sidewalk. After a moment of silence, Angela excused herself, saying she needed to go make sure they hadn't forgotten anything, earning a disbelieving eye roll from her daughter and leaving Maura and Jane alone.

The quiet blanketed everything, just like the night sky laden with stars. Maura felt a sudden surge of nervousness, standing there at the base of the stairs next to Jane. These feelings would always stir themselves up at the most inconvenient of times, usually when she was alone with Jane.

"So we're really doin' this, huh?" Jane's voice was low, her tone strange, like a mixture of thoughtful and guardedness. A bit of humour. A bit of fear.

Maura shrugged. "Yes."

"It sounds so simple when you say that."

"Because it is, Jane. What's difficult about it?"

"Everything!" Jane looked at her incredulously. "Maura, I… There's a very real possibility that I'll probably… I'll probably… lose it… at some stage. And it's not like I know when and where. I could break your things. I could… I could…" Jane turned away, her voice barely above a whisper when she said the next words. "I could hurt you…"

"Isn't that why we're doing this?" Maura moved closer to Jane, her own voice soft. Gentle. Caring. "I am a doctor. I'm supposed to be there if something goes wrong. That's how we can start to fix it." She took another step closer. "And broken things can be fixed. I'll just put some of the more fragile things away. But even if you break them, they can be replaced." She took one more step, and gently brushed Jane's shoulder. "And I've said it before, Jane. I'm not afraid of you. And I won't let you hurt me. I'll be there to calm you down before anything can happen. It's what I'm supposed to do."

Jane took a deep breath. "Thank you."

* * *

Juggling.

The trick was to keep everything in the air at once, everything moving.

Because if anything stopped, that's when disaster strikes.

The criminals of Boston never rested, and it seemed that they had seen fit to take to the streets with a vengeance this week. Maura had four cases going at the same time from different departments, and the autopsies, reports and paperwork were piling up on her to-do list. At the same time, Maura had another job at home. Looking after Jane.

They never said it in as many words. At times it was really much more like Jane was just living in the guest house as a friend for a while. It was easy to think that, especially in the light of day. Jane was the same as she had been whenever they went out together. With her snark, jokes and sarcasm that Maura was slowly learning to pick up, it was so simple.

But when darkness descended, everything changed.

Last night still burned vividly in Maura's mind.

_Coming home from another long day, Maura unlocked the front door to her house. It was nice, she reflected, returning to a house that wasn't empty. She could see the light was on in her living room. The sounds of the TV reached her too, but when she called out, there was no response._

_"Jane? Jane, are you there?"_

_Peering into the living room, Maura noticed that it was empty. Frowning, she moved towards the kitchen. Flicking a switch, she noted that it, too, was empty. A movement in the corner showed Bass, peering up at her with beady little eyes._

_By then it was clear that the brunette was not in the house. Frowning, she opened the back door and looked out into the yard. Light spilled out onto the lawn from the window of the guest house. And a muffled crash._

_Maura was across the yard in a moment, hand reaching for the door. Locked. Of course. The doctor still had her keys in hand, and she fumbled for the one to the guest house. Taking a deep breath, she twisted it in its lock, pushing the door open cautiously. She was better prepared now. And now she also had a responsibility. To calm Jane, and to help her. Talk to her._

_It was a relief when she noted that it seemed comparatively less violent in comparison to the picture of devastation she'd witnessed at Jane's apartment. The table was turned on its side, but that appeared to be the only thing awry. Inching into the room, Maura's eyes quickly scanned the room, assessing the surrounding danger as her emergency aid training kicked in. And almost immediately, she saw the ex-soldier, curled up under a side table._

_Taking another deep breath, Maura entered the room properly, and moved towards Jane quietly, stopping about five metres away. "Jane." She made sure her voice was soft, gentle. Loud sounds and bright lights would only trigger Jane. "Jane, can you hear me?"_

_No response. Jane's eyes were closed tight, hands clutching her head so tightly the finger tips had turned white._

_"Jane. Jane, are you there? Jane." Maura moved a little closer, every nerve taut with anticipation, with fear, with pain. No one should have to relive the worst memories of their lives like this. But there was nothing Maura could do now, but to try bring Jane back. "Jane, please. Come back."_

_Eyes opened, but they were hollow, devoid of emotion. Staring unseeingly ahead as Jane looked into the past once again. Locked in the jaws of a nightmare that refused to fade._

_The empty eyes focused on Maura, but they didn't see her. They saw something else, someone else, and Jane let out a sound somewhere between a snarl and a howl. Equal parts fear and fury, the brunette leapt from her hiding spot, hands searching for something to use as a weapon. Maura watched every move, weary, but determined to pull Jane back from the brink. "Jane. Jane, can you hear me? Jane?" _Repeat the name, establish familiarity…

_Unable to find anything to throw, or use to swing, Jane balled her fists up and ran at the doctor. Like last time, her moves weren't as practiced, hindered by the fear pulsing through her. But they were still strong and fast, and Maura had barely slipped out of the way. _Bring forth good memories, differentiate the episodes from reality…

_"Jane. You're in Boston. You're here, in Boston, America, and you're living in my guest house, in Beacon Hill. You're in the living room of my guest house, Jane. You've been here for the last few weeks, and we've been… we've been bonding, Jane. I'd come home from work and you'd sometimes have takeout ordered from my favourite Chinese restaurant that I told you about once. And we'd sit together and eat and I'd tell you about my day, and you'd tell me about what shows you watched. And sometimes, you'd even share a story about your childhood. Like that one, when you had a family summer trip to Atlantic City. It was the year you graduated from high school, before you enrolled in the army. You and your brothers had so much fun, and even though you weren't supposed to, you snuck into a few casinos and tried your hand. You thought you hit the jackpot when you won two hundred dollars, and you used it to buy presents for your family."_

_Jane had stopped in the middle of the story, allowing Maura to concentrate more on the story and less on trying to follow the soldier's movements. And as the story unfolded, Maura saw the clarity return to her eye once more. Just like last time, Jane came to herself. But this time, when she returned, she didn't run. She didn't snarl and back away and scream._

_Jane sat down, and buried her face in her hands. The room was cast in yellow, not harsh like the glare of the moon on that night. But the shadows in the room were just as dark, just as haunting._

Maura stared down at the page in front of her, the pen sitting uselessly in her hand. The report needed to be written, but the doctor's mind wasn't there. It was with the sullen soldier in her guest house, with the woman who was suffering in silence, to ease the pain for those around her.

It had been the first episode Jane had had since she'd moved over to Maura's guest house. They'd almost gone a whole week without anything happening. But then last night happened. And Maura had been loath to go to work the next day, to leave Jane on her own to deal with what had happened. But the doctor also understood that Jane needed the privacy. She needed the time to herself, to try and gather herself, to come to terms with what had happened. Which was why Jane had been so adamant about Maura remaining on call, and not taking a day off to look after her.

Yet, as the medical examiner sat there, fidgeting with her pen (Maura _never_ fidgeted), she couldn't help wondering what the dark-haired woman was doing now. _Is she alright? Is she dealing with it? Does she need someone to talk to?_ Maura's phone sat on the corner of the desk, innocuous. The screen didn't light up, no messages from Jane. Not for the first time, she was tempted to reach across and dial Jane's number. But she refrained from the temptation. _If Jane needs me, she'll call._

It was just after five when Maura finally signed off on the final report. Deciding she'd done enough for the day, and knowing she wouldn't be able to do much more anyway, she picked up the report, her jacket, and her bag, and left the morgue. Normally, Maura didn't make it a habit to deliver the reports herself, but today, she decided she could afford the short time needed to ride up to the Homicide Unit and drop it off. The detectives in homicide were polite and friendly.

Pushing the door open, she was immediately greeted by a detective that might've been in his late forties, a Detective Korsak. "Dr Isles!" The man smiled, and Maura smiled back. Vince Korsak had a reputation in the BPD as a good man, an excellent detective, and a huge animal lover.

"Hello, Detective Korsak. How are you?"

"Good! Is this the report?"

"It has the results from the autopsy, and some of the preliminary results obtained from ballistics. I managed to obtain a DNA sample that may have come from a suspect, but the lab is still waiting on results. I'll have them fax it through to you immediately when they're done."

"Thanks a lot, doctor! Heading home now?"

Maura nodded. "Yes, I have some things I need to attend to."

Korsak nodded good-naturedly. "Enjoy your night, Dr Isles. And thanks again!"

"You're very welcome. Have a good night, detective."

Maura let out a soft sigh as she stepped into the late afternoon. It was still warm, but a cool breeze played with the ends of Maura's hair. Even though fall had now officially begun, summer seemed reluctant to leave. It really was a beautiful afternoon.

It didn't take long to get home, which was surprising for Maura. Friday night traffic was usually horrible, but it seemed that she'd been lucky enough to miss the worst of it. As she pulled into the driveway, she pondered her next course of action. Should she go home and leave Jane to herself, or should she go and check on her? An internal debate raged, but finally, the concern won out.

Walking around the side of the house, Maura made her way to the guest house, feeling nervous. Feeling unsure of herself, she gently knocked on the door. No response. She tried again, but to no avail.

"Jane?"

Silence.

"Jane? Are you in there?" She waited for a moment, straining to listen for any kind of movement. After a moment, there was what sounded like a low grunt. Maura felt her heart leap, and she decided to try. "Can I come in?"

There was a longer pause, and then another grunt.

Taking that as an affirmative answer, Maura gently pushed on the door, finding it unlocked. She was slightly surprised at this, and it must have shown on her face, because a voice spoke up from the couch.

"I unlocked it about an hour ago. Figured you'd want to check on me."

Maura's eyes immediately found the brunette sitting on the couch, long fingers clenched together in a vice grip, head bowed in a mixture of fury and shame. Seeing the soldier like this pained Maura, but she schooled her features into something more neutral. "Is that okay?"

"Is what okay?" Jane didn't lift her head, her entire body hunched over itself.

"Me coming to check on you." Maura's voice was gentle, as she slowly made her way over to where Jane was. Her response seemed to surprise Jane enough that she looked up at her.

"I… I guess…"

Biting her lip, Maura wondered if it would be too invasive to sit next to Jane on the couch. She decided to ask. "Jane, is it alright if I sit next to you?"

The woman's face seemed to harden for a moment, but after a second, it relaxed, and she nodded. Her left hand came up and covered her face. The right, still in its cast, remained on her knee, clenched. All Maura wanted to do was to reach over and hold it. But she didn't make any contact. Instead, she decided to try ask another question.

"What are you thinking?"

She could see the body tense up next to her.

"I'm just asking, Jane. If you're not ready to tell me, you don't have to."

A minute passed. Then two. And then… "I don't know why you'd want to sit anywhere close to me, let alone next to me."

_Oh Jane…_ Maura looked at the woman next to her tenderly. After a moment, she came up with an idea. She stood up. "Come with me."

"What?" This caught Jane completely off guard.

"Let's go for a walk. The weather's lovely outside, and I think you've been in here all day, and that you should come out for a while."

Jane shook her head, and Maura could see her starting to close herself off. "No."

"Please?" Ordering or demanding wasn't going to work, the doctor could see that. So it would have to be persuasion. "We need to talk, Jane. This is what I'm here for. We need to talk about this, and try and understand what it is that's triggering you. Or, if you really don't want to talk about it right now, then we don't have. But I still think going for a walk is a good idea. Please?" She tried again, looking at Jane pleadingly. To her surprise, it worked.

Letting out a deep sigh, as if she was trying to release the tension in her body, Jane stood up, nodded. "Fine." Glancing down at herself, she realised she was wearing the same outfit as she was last night. She held her hand up, gesturing to wait. Maura was too surprised to react, and when Jane returned about ten minutes later in a fresh pair of jeans and a t-shirt, Maura hadn't moved at all.

"Are we gonna go?" Jane was now frowning at Maura, who finally snapped out of her trance.

"Oh. Yes. I… yes, why don't we walk to the Boston Commons?"

Jane shrugged by way of answer. But as she passed Maura through the door, she gave her a small tight smile. It was enough to let her know that Jane wasn't angry with her. Letting out a tiny breath she didn't know she'd been holding, Maura closed the door behind her and locked it.

"Did ya wanna change?"

Jane's voice registered and Maura looked up to see Jane looking at her with raised eyebrows. Then she realised that she was still in her work clothes. An Alexander McQueen dress and Armani heels were probably not ideal for a casual walk.

"I mean you look amazing," Jane quickly added on, before blushing. "Uh… but uh, heels aren't really a good idea for walking…"

"Of course. Just a moment," Maura smiled, dashing across to the back door of the main house. She couldn't keep the grin off her face at Jane's compliment. Being as quick as she could, she went upstairs and changed into dark jeans and blue silk top. She laid her dress on her bed, to hang up later. She also put on a pair of flat-soled sandals, leaving her heels next to the door of her walk-in wardrobe. After touching up her makeup, she was down and out the door.

Jane was waiting, hands in pockets, looking off towards the sunset. Maura paused for a moment, caught by just how beautiful Jane looked. Her heart beat quickened, and she felt a nervous flutter somewhere in the pit of her stomach – typical reactions when one happened to be looking at someone they were _very_ attracted to in such a picturesque and… perfect… atmosphere.

The soldier seemed to sense her return, turning to look at her, a softer smile on her lips now. It seemed that the cool air had helped relaxed the brunette. Maura couldn't help noticing the way a long strand of Jane's hair had been caught by the breeze, and playfully blew across her face. She wondered if it was for her benefit when Jane huffed at it comically, without it achieving anything. Chuckling, Maura joined Jane on the pavement, and reached out without thinking, pushing the hair back behind Jane's ear. Suddenly realising her actions, her eyes widened and she opened her mouth to apologise. But before she could say anything, Jane smiled.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome," Maura blushed.

They began to walk together through the tranquil streets of the neighbourhood. It seemed that many people had the same idea, enjoying the last vestiges of a Friday evening. There were children laughing and running up and down the streets, dogs gambolling along with their owners on an evening stroll, couples enjoying the surprisingly wonderful Boston weather.

Maura's thoughts churned through her head. Should she say something, break the silence between them? Should she try and get Jane to talk? Why did she feel like reaching out and taking Jane's hand? Why did she feel so nervous and excited about being here with Jane tonight? But overwhelmingly, she realised that she didn't feel uncomfortable. Being here, walking with Jane… it just felt… right.

They were almost at the Commons when Jane finally spoke. It was barely above a whisper, but Maura would never have missed it. "Maura?"

"Yes, Jane?"

Jane let out a deep breath. Hands wound up in pockets, and the brunette looked off into the distance. "Do you know what I see when I… go away?"

Jane's face was sealed off. Distant. Like she wasn't even there now. But Maura could see the way Jane's fingers clenched in her jean pockets. The way her jaw set. And she knew she had to play this just right, so that she wouldn't scare her away.

"What do you see?"

Taking another deep breath, Jane closed her eyes for a moment. Then she stared straight ahead. "I… I see… I see that tent. Again. I… I see the… dirt. Sand. Moonlight. Darkness. I… I see… _him_." Jane had stopped walking. And Maura could see her shaking, fingers clenched tight. She immediately stopped as well, coming around to look into Jane's face. Dark eyes looked passed her, into the distance, but she knew Jane was still there, with her. Maura was too afraid to ask the next question. But Jane seemed to know.

Swallowing, and working her jaw, she spoke. Harsh, but with an undercurrent of fear that Maura didn't miss. "His name was Hoyt."

This was the tormentor that haunted Jane. This was the man that had given Jane those scars. On her hands. And on her soul. Maura reached out tentatively, trying to get the woman in front of her to relax. Glancing around, she saw a bench, right across from the park. Guiding Jane over to it, she gently pushed her down to sit and sat next to her. She didn't push for more. Jane would speak when she was ready.

"He." Jane swallowed again, shaking her head. "He was our target."

After that, they sat there in silence. Ten minutes passed. Fifteen. The sky was darkening quickly, but neither of them moved. Then…

"I killed him."

Maura turned to look at Jane. Jane was staring at her hands now, no longer clenched, but covered in the fingerless gloves she never took off. Jane seemed almost to be in a trance. Maura had a feeling that Jane was talking to herself, as much as she was talking to her.

"I killed him. I… I shot him. He… he's dead. Isn't he? He's dead?"

_Yes_. Maura knew he was dead. She'd heard the story before. From the private that had accompanied Jane to the medical tent all those months ago. "Yes. He's dead, Jane."

"How do you know?" It was almost a snarl, but Maura heard the fear and uncertainty Jane had tried to hide.

"Jane, it was officially documented. You successfully killed the target in the process of saving your captain's life." Jane's eyes narrowed at her, and Maura wondered if she'd divulged too much information. She wasn't sure if she was ready to divulge the truth about that day yet. "I was in the forces too. News gets around." _Not a lie._

After a moment, Jane dropped her gaze. She let out a sigh, her fingers curling into her palm. "If he's dead, why am I still…" her voice faded away.

"It's okay to be afraid."

"I'm not afraid!" Jane lashed out.

Maura only shrugged, turning to look at the grass in front of them. "I didn't say you were afraid. I just said it's okay to be. I still am."

She felt dark eyes turn to look at her, but she didn't meet them. She kept staring ahead, her own mind drifting back to memories that had been pushed down time and time again.

"I'm still afraid of working on live people again. I… I still have nightmares. People who wake up in the middle of an operation. There was… this one time… I… He had been shot in the abdomen. We didn't have a lot of anaesthetic left. We gave as much as we could spare, as much as we thought necessary. I… I opened him up, and my hand was… it was in his chest and… there was a sound and I looked up and–" Maura broke off, unable to finish the story. She could still see him, eyes open in horror, just before the screaming began.

"Oh God… Maura… I'm so sorry."

The honey-blonde shook her head, slightly frustrated. This was about Jane. She should be sympathising with Jane, comforting her, not the other way around. Fighting to keep her calm, she just shook her head. "Don't be. There was nothing we could've done about it. We didn't have the supplies to keep him under. He… he survived."

She didn't see it, but she could feel the nod Jane gave her. And she could feel Jane's eyes on her, like a warm weight.

"How… how do you get though it?"

Maura finally turned to meet brown eyes. And was stunned by the vulnerability in them. She recognised the look Jane was giving her. A request for help. She gave her a small smile. "I accept that it happened." She watched with some fascination as Jane's face changed into a frown. She continued. "I accept that whatever I went through… it happened. And I can't change it. I can't go back and rewrite it, as much as I want to. I can't pretend it didn't happen, because it did. It's a part of my life now. But I don't have to let it haunt me. I don't have to let it follow me. I'm scared of what happened, but I'm not letting it overcome me. I may choose not to be a doctor anymore, but I won't let that stop me from saving a life if I can."

"You make it sound so easy."

"Everything sounds easy. Doing it is always harder."

Jane almost smiled. "No long-winded explanation for that?"

Maura let out a soft chuckle. It seemed that Jane had picked up on her habits of spouting large amounts of information. "Not this time, no."

Jane chuckled too, but quickly sobered up. "I never told anyone."

Maura tilted her head, mildly surprised. "Not even your psychiatrist?"

The lieutenant shook her head. "No."

"Then why me?" She couldn't keep the confusion out of her voice. Or the curiosity.

Jane turned away, staring at the tops of the trees on the edge of the park. Maura could see her mind at work. She wondered if Jane was simply going to ignore her question when she spoke again. "I feel like I can talk to you." Her voice shook slightly. "I feel like I can trust you."


End file.
